My thoughts on LDS women and depression

There have been many reports and studies showing that there are higher rates of depression in Utah, and that Utah has the highest consumption rate of anti depressants in the US, per capita.  I'm not writing here to debate statistics, I don't need a study, or a series of studies to tell me what I can observe, and what I have seen in my own life.

I had an epiphany the other day as I was thinking of all of the women in the church, overwhelmed with sadness and inadequacy.  I remembered from my child psychology courses in college, that developing children react in one of two ways to unpleasant circumstances.  They either become angry or sad.  In a child, the anger response is much more healthy, it means that they are focusing the blame for the circumstances on external circumstances.  Sadness indicates that the child is internalizing the unpleasantness and seeing the goal as impossible and failure as inevitable.  It is healthy, as children grow and learn, to internalize some failures, in order to learn to take responsibility for one's actions and make adjustments to achieve success.  Healthy adults recognize that success and failure is due to a combination of external forces and personal choices.  Some things we can control, and some we cannot.  Demands put on us by others, especially unreasonable demands contribute to an atmosphere of hopelessness and sadness.

I have been thinking this over a great deal since discovering that the church of my youth is based on a foundation of lies and flawed doctrine.   Faithful members of the Mormon church are taught each week in church about the many things they should be accomplishing in order to achieve exaltation.  An impossible list develops of things we must be doing, should be doing, could be doing, and are expected to do.  I decided to make lists of the things expected of me post Mormonism and during Mormonism.    They are very eye opening lists; the latter is by no means comprehensive, it's just a quick list that popped into my head while writing.

Post Mormonism

• Try to treat others with kindness, respect, and tolerance
• Household chores
• Plan and prepare meals
• Attend to the needs of my children
• Spend time with my family
• Spend time with my husband and enjoy his company
• Enjoy my friendships
• Develop hobbies
• Look for opportunities to serve others

During Mormonism

• Get married to a returned missionary in the temple
• Have babies
• Stay home and take care of the babies
• Don't put off children for education
• Get an education, especially my husband
• Avoid contention in the home
• Personal scripture study
• Personal prayer
• Couple's scripture study
• Couple's prayer
• Attend church every Sunday
• Attend weekday activities
• Get my boys to scouts each week
• Pay 10% tithing
• Study my Relief Society and Sunday School lessons ahead of time
• Accept a calling and magnify them (in my case, three callings)
• Obey my husband as he obeys God
• Family scripture study every day
• Hold Family Home Evening every Monday
• Family prayer twice a day
• Family council
• Genealogy
• Attend the temple regularly
• Make sure church clothes are ready each Sunday
• Teach my children the gospel
• Visit teach 4 women each month
• Maintain and rotate a year's supply of food
• Learn to use my food storage
• Support my husband in his calling
• Participate in service projects
• Have my children baptized
• Prepare my sons for missions
• Help clean the church building
• Sign up for initiatories and sealings at the temple
• Keep a journal
• Do missionary work / share the gospel
• Attend social events such as ward dinners and activities

After leaving the church, most of the items on the second list disappeared.  I realized that most of them are not important.  Women in the church are great at looking amazing on the outside, while falling apart on the inside.   Our marriage is certainly much happier than it was before.  For one thing, we discovered that each of us is quite happy with the other, just as we are.  When we were active in the LDS church, we each expected the other to conform to a set of ideals.  These ideals were coming from outside our marriage, not from within.  Once we let go of those expectations, our marriage was instantly transformed.  Honestly, overnight, transformed.  Never before had we such peace and contentment between us.  This has continued for the entire six months we have been out of the church.

My personal belief, and it's a theory I would be willing to test, is that women in the church feel unhappy, unworthy, and unable to be all that they are supposed to be.  These demands all come from external sources, and yet women in the church feel a deep sense of sadness because they are unable to be all and do all.  They feel, and are taught that if they just had more faith, if they were more diligent at reading scriptures, saying prayers, and completing all of the items on the second list above, that they could then attain happiness.    Each Sunday, I would sit in my meetings listening to a lesson or sermon on a topic such as family scripture study, or contention in the home.  Each Sunday, I would leave church feeling as though I'm just not doing enough, even though I was running ragged trying to do it all.  I was filled, all to frequently with a tremendous burden of guilt, at not being the wife, mother, woman, sister, and church member that I should be.  I cannot remember a single time, at church, where I sat in the service thinking, "Yes, awesome!  I am doing all of that stuff just right!"  Never, not once.

 The ironic thing is that the LDS church is supposed to be the one true path to happiness.

Women in the church do not get angry at the leaders outside themselves who are imposing these expectations.  After all, it is a sin to criticize your leaders, even if you believe they are wrong.  Instead, they turn inward, fill their hearts with guilt, and blame themselves for not being strong enough to do it all.  Anger would be a much more healthy response.  Stand up!  Speak!  Yell!  No!!  I will not take another calling.  I don't want to read my scriptures every day, I don't believe in having to go to the temple on a frequent basis.  I won't do it all!  I want to spend time with my family, not doing church things.  I'm good enough just the way I am!  I'm amazing, dammit, stop telling me that I'm not!

When I left it all behind, I have found a more consistent happiness and joy than ever before in my life.  What I was told would make me happy was, in fact, creating misery.