Better Off Dead

June 2012

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, father of my children, and one of the most amazing people I know, broke my heart.  We had been married for over twenty-two years.  We were the parents of five amazing sons.  Our lives were centered in the LDS church.  We built our family on the teachings of the church, fully believing that we had a "celestial marriage".  We were married in the Mormon temple in Seattle, and had spent the duration of our marriage teaching our children the doctrines and principles of the Mormon faith.

In order to have a marriage that lasts for all of eternity, the couple must be married or sealed in a Mormon temple.  In addition, the couple must remain faithful in the church for the duration of their lives.  They are expected to "endure to the end", serve in the church, hold callings, pay tithing, attend the temple, and about a million other things.  For a list of things I spent my life doing, click here.  I actually didn't mind so much trying to do the million things, though I was exhausted much of the time, and overwhelmed with trying to live up to the Mormon ideal.  If that's what I had to do, to attain eternal salvation, then so be it.  Mormons believe that they have the only true church of God on the face of the earth, and as a result, the only path to return to God.

So, how did Mr. Pink Hedgehog break my heart?  He confessed to me that he no longer believes the Mormon church to be the "one true church on the face of the earth".  He no longer believed this:

And also those to whom these commandments were given, might have power to lay the foundation of this church, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the church collectively and not individually-- D&C 1:30.

To be honest, my first emotion after he told me was relief.  I was afraid that he might be confessing to an affair, or wanting a divorce, so the news that he didn't believe in the church was a relief in comparison.  I had sensed for a few weeks that something was not quite right, but I couldn't figure out what.  I just felt very unsettled, but did not know why.  Shortly after my feeling of relief, came unbearable grief.  As a faithful Mormon wife, this is possibly the worst news I could have received.

I am ashamed to admit the next thought that came into my head, and lingered there for a few days.  I believed (taking a deep breath) it would have been better if he had died than to take the action he was about to take.  I would have had the assurance that our eternal marriage was intact, rather than having him ripping it apart.  Better off dead?  Seriously.  I sobbed for days, barely managing to function.  Even now, months later, an apostate myself, the pain of those days brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart constrict.  Better off dead.

How and why did I come to such a sick and twisted belief?  Let me share a few quotes from past leaders of the church:

Journal of Discourses 12:94 (Brigham Young)

If there is a despicable character on the face of the earth, it is an apostate from this Church. He is a traitor who has deceived his best friends, betrayed his trust, and forfeited every principle of honor that God placed within him. They are disgraced in their own eyes. There is not much honesty [within] them. They have forfeited their heaven, sold their birthright, and betrayed their friends. [Even Satan despises apostates] That is all I wish to say on that point. Let apostates go.

Journal of Discourses 12:58 (Brigham Young)

I would say, let [apostates] alone severely. The man who will apostatize from the truth, forsake his God and his religion, is a traitor to everything there is in heaven, earth, and hell. There is no soundness, goodness, truth, or virtue in him; nothing but darkness and corruption, and down to hell he will go. This may grate on the delicate ears of some, and they may think it is a pretty hard sentence, still it is true.

Bruce R. McConkie 

"Loss of virtue is too great a price to pay even for the preservation of one's life — better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a son or a daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction: "I would rather have you come back in a pine box with your virtue than return alive without it."

An examination of the words as applied to apostates such as my husband: deceived his best friends, betrayed trust, forfeited principles of honor, disgraced, forfeited heaven, sold birthright, Satan despises them, traitor, no goodness, no truth, no virtue, nothing but darkness, down to hell, rather come back in a pine box.

My heart and my soul are aching for the women and men in the same position I found myself in.  Tears are flowing down my cheeks for the pain in their lives because of these beliefs.  What kind of a sick religion teaches its members to think this way?  Our spouses are better off dead than apostatizing?  Mr. Pink Hedgehog is better off dead than here with his sons, loving them, raising them, teaching them to be men?  Better off dead.

99.99% of the world lives and dies without ever being faithful to the LDS church.  What are the chances that a loving God would make a plan that the only way back to live with him is to join a tiny,  little, obscure, bizarre religion, that most people on the planet will never hear about?  Not great odds, in my book.  Sadly, the thoughts that went through my head are the rule in the LDS church, rather than the exception.   It's this exact kind of demented reasoning that makes the Mormon church a danger, and not simply another harmless church among thousands of churches.   

Better off dead.  Better off dead?

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, the apostate, is a great father.  He dries my tears, he's thoughtful, he's generous.  He's a great provider, friend to many, scouting volunteer, smart, industrious, hard working, helpful, loyal, honest, and caring.  Ask anyone who knows him. He's amazing!  Better off dead?

I never said those words to Mr. Pink Hedgehog, that he would be better off dead, but we have talked about them since.  From the minute I realized that he was not better off dead, I began to realize that I had been tied down with millions of tiny threads of indoctrination, as fine as strands of spider's silk.  I was voluntarily bound, by giving up my right to think for myself.  With this first epiphany, my first independent thought, I gave myself permission to challenge every word ever spoken by a prophet, and anyone in authority over me.  

I began to free myself.  One by one, I've snipped the fibers, and risen free of the hell that was the church.

My sweetheart.  Better off dead?  Never.

Leave the Ninety and Nine....or not

Today marks two months since my family and I resigned from the LDS church.

Christ taught his followers to leave the ninety and nine, and seek the one who is lost.  We could be considered "the lost", the ones who have strayed from the fold.  While we do not wish to be brought back in to the religious fold, we hoped to maintain our relationships with the members of our church, despite our change in beliefs.  You can decide for yourself, upon reading our story, whether we have been sought.

The story of our journey out of the church can be found here in one of my prior posts: The Emperor Has No Clothes

The accounting of our resignation from the church is posted here:  Formal Resignation

Some of my friends have asked me how things are going, many are curious about the reaction of our ward (congregation), and how we have been treated following our exit from the LDS church.  One more friend inquired about this subject today, thus prompting my post.  It is very important to understand how members of the church are treated when they choose to leave the church.  To that end, I wish to provide a timeline of our exit from the church.

~~ June 27, 2012 - My husband confessed to me that he no longer believes the LDS church to be the one true church on the face of the earth.  I began a quest to bring my husband back to the church.  At this time, all of our children had been told of my husband's disaffection with the church.  I also reached out to a few good friends in the ward to ask for support.  They cried with me, sat with me, held me as I cried, and showed incredible kindness.

~~ July 20, 2012 - After weeks of study, I reached my own conclusion that the LDS church is not the one true church.  I was extremely disturbed after finding volumes of information that has been covered up by the church, and is now coming to light.  Due to the internet, the church can no longer hide things and pretend they never happened.   We were on vacation at the time I reached my decision.

~~ August 2012 - We arrived home from vacation and told our two adult children that my husband and I were leaving the church together; our younger children had been on vacation with us, and were already aware.  I called a few close friends in the ward and outside the ward to tell them what was happening.  We never went back to church after our vacation.  Our intention was to walk quietly away, and to simply stop going to church.  We had a strong desire to maintain our friendships with people in our ward, to keep our kids in LDS scouting, and to attend social events.

~~ September 2012 - We received a voice-mail from our bishop stating that there had been rampant gossip in our ward, and as a result, he made an announcement in Relief Society (women's organization meeting) and Priesthood (men's organization meeting) during church.  The outrageous gossip had been along the lines of my husband having had an affair, that we were divorcing, he had a porn problem, we wanted to drink and party, and more, and none of it was true.  The bishop announced that our family was no longer attending church, but that we were fine and doing well.  He cautioned them all against the dangers of gossip.  He also asked the members of the ward not to call us, or bother us.

This admonition to the ward was two-fold; he honestly did not want us to be hounded by people attempting to argue us back into the church.  He also did not want people to come to our home and listen to the things we have to say.  Unfortunately, some members of the ward interpreted his advice to mean they should cut off all contact with our family.   We were unfriended by a large number of people on Facebook that weekend.  One of my friends was told by another member of the ward that by continuing to associate with me, my friend was putting her eternal salvation in jeopardy.  I kid you not!

One week later, my husband began hearing about the bishop's announcement from colleagues at work, who were not only in different wards, but also in different stakes.  This greatly upset my husband that the gossip over this situation had reached such epic proportions.  In response to the bishop's announcement, we sent an email to the entire ward, giving the brief reasons that we stopped attending church.  We did this as our only means to tell our side of the story, and to put a stop to the gossip.  In response to our email, the bishop made another announcement, telling the ward that it is not necessary to read any further correspondence from us, nor to respond to our posts on Facebook  We received a handful of supportive responses to our email.

~~ October 2012 - We attended the ward Chili Cook-off.  We had a great time and most people were very friendly.  A few people seemed to avoid us.  We made a practice of walking up to people and chatting as though nothing had happened.  Every single person we talked to was kind, and some said they missed us.  We had huge hopes for our continued association with our ward family.

~~ October 31, 2012 - We hosted the ward Halloween party at our home.  We had lots of people attend, and everyone had a great time.  This gave us a lot of hope that we could maintain friendships in the ward in spite of our change in religious beliefs.

~~ November 9, 2012 - We received a particularly nasty email from a member of the ward.  The email called us to repentance, told us we were under the influence of Satan, stated that the writer knew we had a testimony and that we will pay for our sins in the eternity, and that the writer hoped we return to church before it is too late.  In response we posted the text of the email on Facebook, after deleting any identifying information.  We received an overwhelming response from friends from all walks of life, some as far back as high school, from our time living overseas, and from other wards we had lived in.  Oddly enough, we received only three messages of support from members of our own ward.  In addition, we lost a great many more Facebook friends from the ward.

~~ November 11, 2012 - My husband attended church to assess the fallout from our having posted the email on Facebook.  It's common practice in LDS wards to have a combined Priesthood and Relief Society lesson on the fifth Sunday of the month.  There was no fifth Sunday until the end of December, but the bishop moved all other lesson plans back a week in order to present a fifth Sunday lesson this particular week.  The focus of the hour was avoiding contention, especially in light of the email we had received and posted on Facebook, yet the bishop was very careful not to mention us by name.  He spoke extensively about those who leave the church and how we should treat them.  Some of what he said was positive, but there was also a message warning the members of the ward not to wander in the paths of darkness.  In other words, don't be like Pink Hedgehog and Mr. Pink Hedgehog, they have strayed from the path, so it is dangerous to listen to them.

~~ November 12, 2012 -  We had a member of the ward for dinner.  I had run into a member of the ward at the grocery store.  She and I had just been assigned as visiting teaching companions shortly before we left the church.  We went visiting teaching only once together, and then I never went back to church.  She thought she had done something to offend me.  I assured her that nothing could be further from the truth and invited her and her daughter to dinner.  We were seen talking at the store by a member of the ward, and reported to the bishop.  The bishop phoned her (according to my friend) twice before she came over to inquire as to her intentions in coming to my house.  To say the least, we were highly offended at this action on the part of the bishop.  The effectiveness of the spy network in the ward was shocking!

~~ November 17, 2012 - Our bishop came over to discuss the status of our relationship with the church.  We also addressed the ward spy network, and why he called to question people who are planning to be guests in our home.  We talked over many of our issues with church doctrine and history, and he realized that he was going to be of no help to us.  He had no answers to give us, because there are no answers that satisfy.  All along, I had refused to go into the bishop's office like some naughty child being sent to the principal.  My husband and I had done nothing wrong except to ask questions for which there are no good answers.

~~ November 24, 2012 - Our bishop phoned and wanted to stop by.  We chatted for a bit, making small talk, and then he got to the meat of the matter.  He invited us to voluntarily resign from the church or the stake would take action to excommunicate us.  We were simply astounded.  Our membership in the church actually meant very little to us at that point, and we had been on the verge of formally resigning.  Still, we refused to be bullied into resigning.  We asked the bishop for the reasons behind the threat.  His words were that we were "too influential" and "disturbing others".  That was it, nothing more, no other accusations.  Reeling from the shock, we saw the bishop to the door.

Later that evening, we had another couple from our ward coming for dinner and games.  They were just as shaken up as we were, and could not understand the actions of the bishop.  After our guests left, we fought back again, using the only means available to us, Facebook.  We again, received a large outpouring of support from our friends, but the members of the ward were silent.  Our friends on Facebook were outraged  by the behavior of the members of our ward.

~~ November 25, 2012 - We heard through the grapevine that the bishop once again went into Relief Society and Priesthood to discuss the situation.  We are unsure what exactly was said by the bishop, but by that evening, we had lost another portion of our Facebook friends who were also members of the ward.

~~November 26, 2012 - We emailed our stake president and appealed to him to stop the chaos that our bishop and our ward were creating.  We, if you remember, initially tried to walk away from the church quietly, by simply not attending.  Due to the rampant gossip in our ward, our situation became more and more public, against our wishes.  We felt that the only means at our disposal to clear our good name, and to tell our story was via email and Facebook.  Each time our ward or bishop struck out, we would strike back. Our stake president agreed to meet with us sometime during the Christmas holiday.

~~December 21, 2012 - We met with our stake president and reached a truce.  We explained our side of the story and how things got out of hand due to the actions of members of our ward.  He was understanding, and everything seemed to calm down.

~~ February 16, 2013 - We submitted our formal resignation from the LDS church (see link at the top of this post for the text of our resignation).  We emailed our resignation to Salt Lake City, to our entire ward, stake leadership, and all of the bishoprics in the stake.  There was no particular catalyst prompting our resignation.  We had simply reached the conclusion that the time had come to be able to say, "I am not Mormon".  By resigning, it also allowed me a measure of freedom to express my opinion about the church without fear of reprisals from the church.  I have some things that I need to say, and I deserve the freedom to say them without fear from any entity.

~~ February 28, 2013 - My 4th son and I received our official letters that our names had been removed from the records of the church.  As of this writing, we still have not received a letter for Mr. Pink Hedgehog. I did phone SLC, and they confirmed his name removal, but had no idea as to the whereabouts of his letter. 5th son will not receive a letter because he was never baptized.  2nd son resigned at the same time as us, but he is an adult and not in our ward.  3rd son is a minor and still attends church.  1st son is married and still attends church with his wife.

~~ April 5, 2013 - We threw a party for 2nd son who was leaving to go in the Air Force.  We invited people from our ward, many that we considered friends and some who had been our son's teachers and leaders.  A few RSVP'd that they would be attending but did not show up, one or two declined.  The vast majority of ward members we invited simply ignored our invitation.  One woman from the ward popped in for a few minutes, gave our son a gift, and ran off to a meeting.  We had a lot of guests at the party, but only the one from our ward.

As of this writing, we have received several supportive letters from members of our ward.   I received a very kind letter expressing love and support from our former Relief Society President.  Two emails came from members of the ward expressing remorse for harshly judging us and not being there for us, and also an acknowledgement that it was far too late at this point to do anything about it.  We have heard from several members of the ward who are closet non-believers but afraid to come forward.  We have had a visit from only one member of the ward, who came to apologize for her actions and for not supporting us.  We have had an overwhelming response of support from friends who are not members of our ward; some are religious and some are not.  Many, many friends have emailed us, messaged on Facebook, and gone out of their way to reach out to us and let us know of their love.  We have been so touched by these friends, and grateful for their loyalty.  These acts of kindness have made our journey much easier, in spite of being shunned by members of our ward.

Other than the few ward members I wrote about, we have been ignored by the members of our ward.  I have invited several women from the ward to lunch or breakfast, and been out with a few of them, or had them to our home.  None have invited me.  Everyone I have personally spoken with has been kind, and nobody has sent us an unkind email or letter.  If you read the text of our email to our ward, you saw that we invited the members of the ward to include us in their activities, game nights, ward activities, and other events.  We asked them to invite us over, stop by and visit, or reach out to us in any way.  Unlike many ex-Mormons, we welcome contact from the members of our ward.  We invited them to use our rototiller, or ask us for service, and reminded them that we are here to help in any way we can.  In the two months since our resignation, and the seven months prior to that, ever since we stopped going to church, we have not heard one peep from probably 90% of the ward.

We find that a very interesting occurrence.  We can only speculate on the reason our ward has shunned us.  Do they stay away because they are afraid?   Are they so busy with church responsibilities that they simply have no time for us? Do they feel betrayed by us?  Have they felt that by rejecting the church, we have rejected them?  Were they not truly our friends in the first place, but merely church acquaintances?   Do they stay away because they know in their hearts that we are right, yet they are unwilling to look?   It is likely that all of the above are true.

I write this not to condemn, but rather to teach.  If you have someone close to you who chooses to walk away from your faith, please show them love and acceptance.  Do not call them to repentance.  Do not tell them you know they have a testimony.  Do not chastise them.  Do not shun them.  Do not invite them over, bring them cookies, or do a service project, with the purpose of helping them "feel the spirit".  Spend time with them because you love them, and for no other reason.  Accept the fact that they are not coming back to church.  Ever.  Until you can do that, you cannot truly love them, and they know it.  All of the little messages with scriptures, or General Conference quotes are transparent, and not helpful.

We do not mourn the loss of our ward family.  We have learned who our true friends are, and that is a fabulous thing to know.  We have become very active in our local ex-Mormon community, and made lots of new friends.  We have been spending more time with our family, and with those friends who know our true character.  All in all, I feel free and happy.  I am enjoying life.  Learning the truth about the church of my childhood was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life.  Letting go of the harmful and false teachings has been the most refreshing experience of my life.  I am blogging, writing a book, looking for opportunities to serve in my community, and seeking for positive change in the world.  I no longer live in fear of anything, which is a very welcome change indeed.