Better Off Dead

June 2012

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, father of my children, and one of the most amazing people I know, broke my heart.  We had been married for over twenty-two years.  We were the parents of five amazing sons.  Our lives were centered in the LDS church.  We built our family on the teachings of the church, fully believing that we had a "celestial marriage".  We were married in the Mormon temple in Seattle, and had spent the duration of our marriage teaching our children the doctrines and principles of the Mormon faith.

In order to have a marriage that lasts for all of eternity, the couple must be married or sealed in a Mormon temple.  In addition, the couple must remain faithful in the church for the duration of their lives.  They are expected to "endure to the end", serve in the church, hold callings, pay tithing, attend the temple, and about a million other things.  For a list of things I spent my life doing, click here.  I actually didn't mind so much trying to do the million things, though I was exhausted much of the time, and overwhelmed with trying to live up to the Mormon ideal.  If that's what I had to do, to attain eternal salvation, then so be it.  Mormons believe that they have the only true church of God on the face of the earth, and as a result, the only path to return to God.

So, how did Mr. Pink Hedgehog break my heart?  He confessed to me that he no longer believes the Mormon church to be the "one true church on the face of the earth".  He no longer believed this:

And also those to whom these commandments were given, might have power to lay the foundation of this church, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the church collectively and not individually-- D&C 1:30.

To be honest, my first emotion after he told me was relief.  I was afraid that he might be confessing to an affair, or wanting a divorce, so the news that he didn't believe in the church was a relief in comparison.  I had sensed for a few weeks that something was not quite right, but I couldn't figure out what.  I just felt very unsettled, but did not know why.  Shortly after my feeling of relief, came unbearable grief.  As a faithful Mormon wife, this is possibly the worst news I could have received.

I am ashamed to admit the next thought that came into my head, and lingered there for a few days.  I believed (taking a deep breath) it would have been better if he had died than to take the action he was about to take.  I would have had the assurance that our eternal marriage was intact, rather than having him ripping it apart.  Better off dead?  Seriously.  I sobbed for days, barely managing to function.  Even now, months later, an apostate myself, the pain of those days brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart constrict.  Better off dead.

How and why did I come to such a sick and twisted belief?  Let me share a few quotes from past leaders of the church:

Journal of Discourses 12:94 (Brigham Young)

If there is a despicable character on the face of the earth, it is an apostate from this Church. He is a traitor who has deceived his best friends, betrayed his trust, and forfeited every principle of honor that God placed within him. They are disgraced in their own eyes. There is not much honesty [within] them. They have forfeited their heaven, sold their birthright, and betrayed their friends. [Even Satan despises apostates] That is all I wish to say on that point. Let apostates go.

Journal of Discourses 12:58 (Brigham Young)

I would say, let [apostates] alone severely. The man who will apostatize from the truth, forsake his God and his religion, is a traitor to everything there is in heaven, earth, and hell. There is no soundness, goodness, truth, or virtue in him; nothing but darkness and corruption, and down to hell he will go. This may grate on the delicate ears of some, and they may think it is a pretty hard sentence, still it is true.

Bruce R. McConkie 

"Loss of virtue is too great a price to pay even for the preservation of one's life — better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a son or a daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction: "I would rather have you come back in a pine box with your virtue than return alive without it."

An examination of the words as applied to apostates such as my husband: deceived his best friends, betrayed trust, forfeited principles of honor, disgraced, forfeited heaven, sold birthright, Satan despises them, traitor, no goodness, no truth, no virtue, nothing but darkness, down to hell, rather come back in a pine box.

My heart and my soul are aching for the women and men in the same position I found myself in.  Tears are flowing down my cheeks for the pain in their lives because of these beliefs.  What kind of a sick religion teaches its members to think this way?  Our spouses are better off dead than apostatizing?  Mr. Pink Hedgehog is better off dead than here with his sons, loving them, raising them, teaching them to be men?  Better off dead.

99.99% of the world lives and dies without ever being faithful to the LDS church.  What are the chances that a loving God would make a plan that the only way back to live with him is to join a tiny,  little, obscure, bizarre religion, that most people on the planet will never hear about?  Not great odds, in my book.  Sadly, the thoughts that went through my head are the rule in the LDS church, rather than the exception.   It's this exact kind of demented reasoning that makes the Mormon church a danger, and not simply another harmless church among thousands of churches.   

Better off dead.  Better off dead?

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, the apostate, is a great father.  He dries my tears, he's thoughtful, he's generous.  He's a great provider, friend to many, scouting volunteer, smart, industrious, hard working, helpful, loyal, honest, and caring.  Ask anyone who knows him. He's amazing!  Better off dead?

I never said those words to Mr. Pink Hedgehog, that he would be better off dead, but we have talked about them since.  From the minute I realized that he was not better off dead, I began to realize that I had been tied down with millions of tiny threads of indoctrination, as fine as strands of spider's silk.  I was voluntarily bound, by giving up my right to think for myself.  With this first epiphany, my first independent thought, I gave myself permission to challenge every word ever spoken by a prophet, and anyone in authority over me.  

I began to free myself.  One by one, I've snipped the fibers, and risen free of the hell that was the church.

My sweetheart.  Better off dead?  Never.