Slaying My Dragons

From the moment in June 2012 that Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my husband of 22 years told me he no longer believed the Mormon Church to be true, to be God’s one true church on earth, my life has undergone enormous changes.  Less than three weeks after that gut wrenching day, I also had my own epiphany regarding the veracity of the church, I walked away, and I wish I could say that I never looked back.  There are many “wise” quotes about never looking back, but rather moving forward.  I’m not sure I see the wisdom in that advice.  I agree that one shouldn't dwell in the past, since you can’t change it, and you don’t live in the past.  My goal is to live very much in the present with vibrant authenticity, and never apologize for being me ever again. 

I feel it is important, however, to examine the past.  How did I get here?  Why do I believe that?  Why am I doing that?  What created that fear?  What created that habit?  How do I change?  By examining my past from an intellectual perspective, I have been able to slay some inner dragons that I wasn't even aware existed.  It's no small feat to overcome 43 years of mind control and programming by a very clever cult, and to choose an authentic life over a fear based existence.  This is not to say my journey has been entirely intellectual.  There have been plenty of tears, earth shattering moments, and scary times.  I have slain some enormous dragons in the 15 months since leaving Mormonism.  I have taken back my power, grasped hold of my life, and marched onward with gusto.  Pretty much all I need now is a fabulous pink cape to go with my sword of truth and my shield of courage.

Dragon #1--Coffee

Oh boy, was I terrified of coffee. When my Mr. Pink Hedgehog first left the church, he asked me if it was okay for him to drink coffee.  At first I said it would make me really sad.  Within a day or so, I realized how silly that was, and that if he wanted to drink coffee, he would sneak and do it at work anyway, so I might as well just say it was okay.  After all, he was a grown man, and it's just coffee, but I told him he'd better not bring it home and set a bad example for our kids.  We were raising them up to be good Mormons who keep the Word of Wisdom, so it was vital to keep all evil influences out of our home.

Within another day or so, I realized that my latest request was also silly, that a grown man, paying for the home we live in should not have to sneak and hide, and that he should be able to have a cup of coffee in his own home if he wants to.  Another day later, I told him he needed to buy coffee when he was with me, so he could drink it, I could kiss him, and find out what coffee tastes like without breaking the Word of Wisdom. That day, I deliberately took a sip of the forbidden brew from his cup.  Fear gripped my heart, and I felt like a naughty schoolgirl who has been caught making out with a boy behind the bleachers.  The whole story is humorous now, and my thinking was juvenile, but it clearly demonstrates the result of living a life while scared of so many dangerous dragons such as coffee.

Dragon #2--Alcohol

Alcohol is even more dangerous and frightening than coffee.  After all, it's mood altering, and extremely addictive.  One sip, and you are likely to turn into a raging alcoholic, right?  Just take the first drink, and you are well on your way to a life of depravity, drunk driving, neglecting your kids, and daily hangovers.  No thanks!  Alcohol is super, super, duper scary.  Super!!  Only it's not.  In August 2012, Mr. Pink Hedgehog and I were on a cruise to Alaska, and I decided I was done being scared of alcohol, and I ordered my first alcoholic drink.  The very first drop of alcohol ever to touch my lips was Sex on the Beach.  I sipped the drink and waited.....nothing really happened.  I felt a little warm and floaty, but nothing else happened.  No dark clouds gathered over me, no thunder and lightning, nor maniacal evil laughter ensued.  Little old me, sitting on the cruise ship, just continued to sit, knit my socks, and chat with people around me.  Hmmm, interesting, a whole lot of fear and stress over a whole lot of nothing.

Since that time, I have been to parties where I drank too much.  I've been tipsy, I've been responsible, and I've had a good deal of fun.  Most nights I either have a glass of wine with dinner, or don't drink at all.  I'm the same me, carrying one less fear around with me.  I became obsessed initially with alcohol, but not really to drink it, simply to gain knowledge about an entire subject that had been forbidden to me.  I'm a knowledge sponge of sorts, and I can obsess on a new topic when I stumble across it.  I bet that not many people know what sloe gin is and how it's made.  I do because I looked it up.  I simply must know things!  It's one of my quirks.  Believe it or not, I've even lost Mormon friends because of alcohol.  I posted a funny joke about beer, which earned me a lecture from someone I had counted as a friend.  She told me she couldn't believe that I'd "lost my moral values".  I'm pretty sure I don't want to live by her list of "moral values".  Recently I posted a photo of my signature drink, a Pink Hedgehog on Facebook.  The next day, she had unfriended me.  I kid you not.

Dragon #3--Red Shoes

I wrote a post back in February about this particular dragon.  Click here.

Dragon #4--Self Sacrifice

I've lost a lot of weight since leaving the church.  I have more to lose, but I'm on a quest, working on it a day at a time.  To further this effort, I decided that I really wanted to join a gym.  Mr. Pink Hedgehog had offered more than once to get me a gym membership, but I always hesitated.  This past week, I had a guest pass for a day to an expensive and exclusive gym in our area.  I have always liked to swim, and decided to try it out that day, to see how I liked it.  As I swam, I realized that I would love to have a membership to this gym.  I talked to Mr, Pink Hedgehog about it, and we went over to take a tour.  This gym costs about double what the regular chain gyms cost, but the membership numbers are kept down so you don't have to deal with crowding.  The facilities are beautiful, upscale, and elegant.

As we took the tour, I was well aware of the cost to join, even with Mr. Pink Hedgehog's discount as the employee of a large local company.  I was also aware that we could both join another gym for considerably less money per month, but I really, really wanted a membership at this one, and to top it off, the gym is the closest to Mr. Pink Hedgehog's work, so we could exercise together sometimes.  This was a pivotal moment in my life, only I didn't even know it at the time.  I can't believe this was only 4 days ago because so much has changed within me since that time.  As I stood there trying to decide which gym to choose, Mr. Pink Hedgehog said to me, "Choose the one you want, cost doesn't matter (which I already knew), choose the one in which you prefer to exercise."  At that very moment, a light bulb went on in my brain, and I finally, for one of the first times ever, said, "I want this one."

Wow!  Just wow!!  For one of the very first times ever in my life, I did not opt for the cheaper version just because it was what I was supposed to do.  As a Mormon mamma, I always took care of everyone.  I looked after Mr. Pink Hedgehog, took care of the kids, the dog, volunteered at the school, cleaned the house, ran errands, served in my callings, helped everyone, bought clothes and shoes for everyone else, but when it came to buying things for me, or doing things for me, I felt guilt.  I always shopped clearance racks (nothing wrong with that), and felt extreme guilt if I couldn't clothe myself entirely in bargains.  For the first time ever, I stood firm and straight, and said what I really, truly wanted with no guilt, and without opting for the least expensive, just because it was what I was supposed to do.  I guess I've grown rather weary of "supposed to" lists; with someone else telling me what I should want to do and be.  It's finally time to be me, take it or leave it.



I've learned a lot about myself; how I am in control of my life, and my dragons are not.  Dragons are for slaying, not for obeying.