Slaying My Dragons

From the moment in June 2012 that Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my husband of 22 years told me he no longer believed the Mormon Church to be true, to be God’s one true church on earth, my life has undergone enormous changes.  Less than three weeks after that gut wrenching day, I also had my own epiphany regarding the veracity of the church, I walked away, and I wish I could say that I never looked back.  There are many “wise” quotes about never looking back, but rather moving forward.  I’m not sure I see the wisdom in that advice.  I agree that one shouldn't dwell in the past, since you can’t change it, and you don’t live in the past.  My goal is to live very much in the present with vibrant authenticity, and never apologize for being me ever again. 

I feel it is important, however, to examine the past.  How did I get here?  Why do I believe that?  Why am I doing that?  What created that fear?  What created that habit?  How do I change?  By examining my past from an intellectual perspective, I have been able to slay some inner dragons that I wasn't even aware existed.  It's no small feat to overcome 43 years of mind control and programming by a very clever cult, and to choose an authentic life over a fear based existence.  This is not to say my journey has been entirely intellectual.  There have been plenty of tears, earth shattering moments, and scary times.  I have slain some enormous dragons in the 15 months since leaving Mormonism.  I have taken back my power, grasped hold of my life, and marched onward with gusto.  Pretty much all I need now is a fabulous pink cape to go with my sword of truth and my shield of courage.

Dragon #1--Coffee

Oh boy, was I terrified of coffee. When my Mr. Pink Hedgehog first left the church, he asked me if it was okay for him to drink coffee.  At first I said it would make me really sad.  Within a day or so, I realized how silly that was, and that if he wanted to drink coffee, he would sneak and do it at work anyway, so I might as well just say it was okay.  After all, he was a grown man, and it's just coffee, but I told him he'd better not bring it home and set a bad example for our kids.  We were raising them up to be good Mormons who keep the Word of Wisdom, so it was vital to keep all evil influences out of our home.

Within another day or so, I realized that my latest request was also silly, that a grown man, paying for the home we live in should not have to sneak and hide, and that he should be able to have a cup of coffee in his own home if he wants to.  Another day later, I told him he needed to buy coffee when he was with me, so he could drink it, I could kiss him, and find out what coffee tastes like without breaking the Word of Wisdom. That day, I deliberately took a sip of the forbidden brew from his cup.  Fear gripped my heart, and I felt like a naughty schoolgirl who has been caught making out with a boy behind the bleachers.  The whole story is humorous now, and my thinking was juvenile, but it clearly demonstrates the result of living a life while scared of so many dangerous dragons such as coffee.

Dragon #2--Alcohol

Alcohol is even more dangerous and frightening than coffee.  After all, it's mood altering, and extremely addictive.  One sip, and you are likely to turn into a raging alcoholic, right?  Just take the first drink, and you are well on your way to a life of depravity, drunk driving, neglecting your kids, and daily hangovers.  No thanks!  Alcohol is super, super, duper scary.  Super!!  Only it's not.  In August 2012, Mr. Pink Hedgehog and I were on a cruise to Alaska, and I decided I was done being scared of alcohol, and I ordered my first alcoholic drink.  The very first drop of alcohol ever to touch my lips was Sex on the Beach.  I sipped the drink and waited.....nothing really happened.  I felt a little warm and floaty, but nothing else happened.  No dark clouds gathered over me, no thunder and lightning, nor maniacal evil laughter ensued.  Little old me, sitting on the cruise ship, just continued to sit, knit my socks, and chat with people around me.  Hmmm, interesting, a whole lot of fear and stress over a whole lot of nothing.

Since that time, I have been to parties where I drank too much.  I've been tipsy, I've been responsible, and I've had a good deal of fun.  Most nights I either have a glass of wine with dinner, or don't drink at all.  I'm the same me, carrying one less fear around with me.  I became obsessed initially with alcohol, but not really to drink it, simply to gain knowledge about an entire subject that had been forbidden to me.  I'm a knowledge sponge of sorts, and I can obsess on a new topic when I stumble across it.  I bet that not many people know what sloe gin is and how it's made.  I do because I looked it up.  I simply must know things!  It's one of my quirks.  Believe it or not, I've even lost Mormon friends because of alcohol.  I posted a funny joke about beer, which earned me a lecture from someone I had counted as a friend.  She told me she couldn't believe that I'd "lost my moral values".  I'm pretty sure I don't want to live by her list of "moral values".  Recently I posted a photo of my signature drink, a Pink Hedgehog on Facebook.  The next day, she had unfriended me.  I kid you not.

Dragon #3--Red Shoes

I wrote a post back in February about this particular dragon.  Click here.

Dragon #4--Self Sacrifice

I've lost a lot of weight since leaving the church.  I have more to lose, but I'm on a quest, working on it a day at a time.  To further this effort, I decided that I really wanted to join a gym.  Mr. Pink Hedgehog had offered more than once to get me a gym membership, but I always hesitated.  This past week, I had a guest pass for a day to an expensive and exclusive gym in our area.  I have always liked to swim, and decided to try it out that day, to see how I liked it.  As I swam, I realized that I would love to have a membership to this gym.  I talked to Mr, Pink Hedgehog about it, and we went over to take a tour.  This gym costs about double what the regular chain gyms cost, but the membership numbers are kept down so you don't have to deal with crowding.  The facilities are beautiful, upscale, and elegant.

As we took the tour, I was well aware of the cost to join, even with Mr. Pink Hedgehog's discount as the employee of a large local company.  I was also aware that we could both join another gym for considerably less money per month, but I really, really wanted a membership at this one, and to top it off, the gym is the closest to Mr. Pink Hedgehog's work, so we could exercise together sometimes.  This was a pivotal moment in my life, only I didn't even know it at the time.  I can't believe this was only 4 days ago because so much has changed within me since that time.  As I stood there trying to decide which gym to choose, Mr. Pink Hedgehog said to me, "Choose the one you want, cost doesn't matter (which I already knew), choose the one in which you prefer to exercise."  At that very moment, a light bulb went on in my brain, and I finally, for one of the first times ever, said, "I want this one."

Wow!  Just wow!!  For one of the very first times ever in my life, I did not opt for the cheaper version just because it was what I was supposed to do.  As a Mormon mamma, I always took care of everyone.  I looked after Mr. Pink Hedgehog, took care of the kids, the dog, volunteered at the school, cleaned the house, ran errands, served in my callings, helped everyone, bought clothes and shoes for everyone else, but when it came to buying things for me, or doing things for me, I felt guilt.  I always shopped clearance racks (nothing wrong with that), and felt extreme guilt if I couldn't clothe myself entirely in bargains.  For the first time ever, I stood firm and straight, and said what I really, truly wanted with no guilt, and without opting for the least expensive, just because it was what I was supposed to do.  I guess I've grown rather weary of "supposed to" lists; with someone else telling me what I should want to do and be.  It's finally time to be me, take it or leave it.



I've learned a lot about myself; how I am in control of my life, and my dragons are not.  Dragons are for slaying, not for obeying.

Rant About Temple Worship

The following essay was written by the poster "greenpotato" on exmormon.org in the Recovery Forum, and is used with his/her permission.  This author expresses many problems with temple worship, doctrinal, historical, and social.  Many thanks, greenpotato!

What is it with mormons and temples? Where does the idea of temple worship come from? The book of mormon? Nope, temples are not mentioned there. The New Testament? Nope, Jesus' sacrifice ended temple worship. The old testament? Only if you want to get your ass kicked for building multiple temples that were not in god's chosen town of Jerusalem. Thomas Monson wouldn't be bragging about the number of new temples being built if he knew that the god of the old testament was watching.

And why must baptisms be done for every single person who ever lived? Surely 99.5% of them are going to reject the gospel anyway? Why not get baptised for the dead AFTER they accept the gospel? Did Jesus die on the cross over and over for every single person, even the ones who weren't going to repent? I know Jesus had a lot to bear already, but since he was getting baptised anyway, why not make it count for everyone?

When I am worried that I might forget something, I always write it down on my underwear... NOT! Why not give everyone a written copy of the temple covenants that they can refer to when needed, preferably BEFORE they agree to give the church EVERYTHING so that they have time to consider the implications first?

How does one decide whether to call temple worship sacred or secret? The handshakes are SECRET otherwise there would be no point to them. Sacred things can be spoken about, at least with others of the same faith who already know about it. Secret isn't a very good word for it since I am writing about it without ever having been to a temple. I think embarrassingly stupid is a better description for temple worship than either sacred or secret.

How far can one stretch the "milk before meat" principle? Some people die of old age while still on milk! But don't worry, if you don't understand the spiritual significance of the temple in this life, then at some point during ETERNITY you will finally get it!

But who wouldn't want to go to the temple and be sealed to their family for all of eternity? Duh, people who have family members that they don't like! But no person who doesn't love their family could possibly be worthy of going to heaven, even if they have suffered at the hands of those who should have loved them and have still been good, Christ like people. What counts at the gates of mormon heaven is knowing secret handshakes and being sealed to lots of family, and having as many wives as the laws of the land don't arrest you for.

Most brides these days don't like to know what is going to happen at their wedding. What they are going to wear, what the celebrant is going to say, what the venue looks like from the inside and who is going to be there are minor details that most brides take no interest in. NOT!!! TSCC knows NOTHING about throwing a good wedding! I know that there hasn't been much of a need for temples since animal sacrifice stopped, but having weddings at temples is NOT the solution.

Unlike many doctrinal questions, temple ceremonies are scientifically untouchable. The preface to the book of mormon has been changed drastically in the face of modern scientific discoveries, and it will continue to change. So why do eternal temple ceremonies that are pleasing to an unchanging god need to be changed so often? Surely if they were good enough for god 100 years ago then they are good enough now.

If it wasn't for Joseph Smith and his last minute plagiarism of Masonic rituals, temples would be nothing more than ancient ruins and I would have something better to rant about. In hindsight, temple worship is ridiculous and the secrecy surrounding temple worship is the only way to stop people from leaving the church as soon as they hear about it. Either that or find a way to provide an ACTUAL spiritual experience at the temple.

Better Off Dead

June 2012

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, father of my children, and one of the most amazing people I know, broke my heart.  We had been married for over twenty-two years.  We were the parents of five amazing sons.  Our lives were centered in the LDS church.  We built our family on the teachings of the church, fully believing that we had a "celestial marriage".  We were married in the Mormon temple in Seattle, and had spent the duration of our marriage teaching our children the doctrines and principles of the Mormon faith.

In order to have a marriage that lasts for all of eternity, the couple must be married or sealed in a Mormon temple.  In addition, the couple must remain faithful in the church for the duration of their lives.  They are expected to "endure to the end", serve in the church, hold callings, pay tithing, attend the temple, and about a million other things.  For a list of things I spent my life doing, click here.  I actually didn't mind so much trying to do the million things, though I was exhausted much of the time, and overwhelmed with trying to live up to the Mormon ideal.  If that's what I had to do, to attain eternal salvation, then so be it.  Mormons believe that they have the only true church of God on the face of the earth, and as a result, the only path to return to God.

So, how did Mr. Pink Hedgehog break my heart?  He confessed to me that he no longer believes the Mormon church to be the "one true church on the face of the earth".  He no longer believed this:

And also those to whom these commandments were given, might have power to lay the foundation of this church, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the church collectively and not individually-- D&C 1:30.

To be honest, my first emotion after he told me was relief.  I was afraid that he might be confessing to an affair, or wanting a divorce, so the news that he didn't believe in the church was a relief in comparison.  I had sensed for a few weeks that something was not quite right, but I couldn't figure out what.  I just felt very unsettled, but did not know why.  Shortly after my feeling of relief, came unbearable grief.  As a faithful Mormon wife, this is possibly the worst news I could have received.

I am ashamed to admit the next thought that came into my head, and lingered there for a few days.  I believed (taking a deep breath) it would have been better if he had died than to take the action he was about to take.  I would have had the assurance that our eternal marriage was intact, rather than having him ripping it apart.  Better off dead?  Seriously.  I sobbed for days, barely managing to function.  Even now, months later, an apostate myself, the pain of those days brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart constrict.  Better off dead.

How and why did I come to such a sick and twisted belief?  Let me share a few quotes from past leaders of the church:

Journal of Discourses 12:94 (Brigham Young)

If there is a despicable character on the face of the earth, it is an apostate from this Church. He is a traitor who has deceived his best friends, betrayed his trust, and forfeited every principle of honor that God placed within him. They are disgraced in their own eyes. There is not much honesty [within] them. They have forfeited their heaven, sold their birthright, and betrayed their friends. [Even Satan despises apostates] That is all I wish to say on that point. Let apostates go.

Journal of Discourses 12:58 (Brigham Young)

I would say, let [apostates] alone severely. The man who will apostatize from the truth, forsake his God and his religion, is a traitor to everything there is in heaven, earth, and hell. There is no soundness, goodness, truth, or virtue in him; nothing but darkness and corruption, and down to hell he will go. This may grate on the delicate ears of some, and they may think it is a pretty hard sentence, still it is true.

Bruce R. McConkie 

"Loss of virtue is too great a price to pay even for the preservation of one's life — better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a son or a daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction: "I would rather have you come back in a pine box with your virtue than return alive without it."

An examination of the words as applied to apostates such as my husband: deceived his best friends, betrayed trust, forfeited principles of honor, disgraced, forfeited heaven, sold birthright, Satan despises them, traitor, no goodness, no truth, no virtue, nothing but darkness, down to hell, rather come back in a pine box.

My heart and my soul are aching for the women and men in the same position I found myself in.  Tears are flowing down my cheeks for the pain in their lives because of these beliefs.  What kind of a sick religion teaches its members to think this way?  Our spouses are better off dead than apostatizing?  Mr. Pink Hedgehog is better off dead than here with his sons, loving them, raising them, teaching them to be men?  Better off dead.

99.99% of the world lives and dies without ever being faithful to the LDS church.  What are the chances that a loving God would make a plan that the only way back to live with him is to join a tiny,  little, obscure, bizarre religion, that most people on the planet will never hear about?  Not great odds, in my book.  Sadly, the thoughts that went through my head are the rule in the LDS church, rather than the exception.   It's this exact kind of demented reasoning that makes the Mormon church a danger, and not simply another harmless church among thousands of churches.   

Better off dead.  Better off dead?

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, the apostate, is a great father.  He dries my tears, he's thoughtful, he's generous.  He's a great provider, friend to many, scouting volunteer, smart, industrious, hard working, helpful, loyal, honest, and caring.  Ask anyone who knows him. He's amazing!  Better off dead?

I never said those words to Mr. Pink Hedgehog, that he would be better off dead, but we have talked about them since.  From the minute I realized that he was not better off dead, I began to realize that I had been tied down with millions of tiny threads of indoctrination, as fine as strands of spider's silk.  I was voluntarily bound, by giving up my right to think for myself.  With this first epiphany, my first independent thought, I gave myself permission to challenge every word ever spoken by a prophet, and anyone in authority over me.  

I began to free myself.  One by one, I've snipped the fibers, and risen free of the hell that was the church.

My sweetheart.  Better off dead?  Never.

Leave the Ninety and Nine....or not

Today marks two months since my family and I resigned from the LDS church.

Christ taught his followers to leave the ninety and nine, and seek the one who is lost.  We could be considered "the lost", the ones who have strayed from the fold.  While we do not wish to be brought back in to the religious fold, we hoped to maintain our relationships with the members of our church, despite our change in beliefs.  You can decide for yourself, upon reading our story, whether we have been sought.

The story of our journey out of the church can be found here in one of my prior posts: The Emperor Has No Clothes

The accounting of our resignation from the church is posted here:  Formal Resignation

Some of my friends have asked me how things are going, many are curious about the reaction of our ward (congregation), and how we have been treated following our exit from the LDS church.  One more friend inquired about this subject today, thus prompting my post.  It is very important to understand how members of the church are treated when they choose to leave the church.  To that end, I wish to provide a timeline of our exit from the church.

~~ June 27, 2012 - My husband confessed to me that he no longer believes the LDS church to be the one true church on the face of the earth.  I began a quest to bring my husband back to the church.  At this time, all of our children had been told of my husband's disaffection with the church.  I also reached out to a few good friends in the ward to ask for support.  They cried with me, sat with me, held me as I cried, and showed incredible kindness.

~~ July 20, 2012 - After weeks of study, I reached my own conclusion that the LDS church is not the one true church.  I was extremely disturbed after finding volumes of information that has been covered up by the church, and is now coming to light.  Due to the internet, the church can no longer hide things and pretend they never happened.   We were on vacation at the time I reached my decision.

~~ August 2012 - We arrived home from vacation and told our two adult children that my husband and I were leaving the church together; our younger children had been on vacation with us, and were already aware.  I called a few close friends in the ward and outside the ward to tell them what was happening.  We never went back to church after our vacation.  Our intention was to walk quietly away, and to simply stop going to church.  We had a strong desire to maintain our friendships with people in our ward, to keep our kids in LDS scouting, and to attend social events.

~~ September 2012 - We received a voice-mail from our bishop stating that there had been rampant gossip in our ward, and as a result, he made an announcement in Relief Society (women's organization meeting) and Priesthood (men's organization meeting) during church.  The outrageous gossip had been along the lines of my husband having had an affair, that we were divorcing, he had a porn problem, we wanted to drink and party, and more, and none of it was true.  The bishop announced that our family was no longer attending church, but that we were fine and doing well.  He cautioned them all against the dangers of gossip.  He also asked the members of the ward not to call us, or bother us.

This admonition to the ward was two-fold; he honestly did not want us to be hounded by people attempting to argue us back into the church.  He also did not want people to come to our home and listen to the things we have to say.  Unfortunately, some members of the ward interpreted his advice to mean they should cut off all contact with our family.   We were unfriended by a large number of people on Facebook that weekend.  One of my friends was told by another member of the ward that by continuing to associate with me, my friend was putting her eternal salvation in jeopardy.  I kid you not!

One week later, my husband began hearing about the bishop's announcement from colleagues at work, who were not only in different wards, but also in different stakes.  This greatly upset my husband that the gossip over this situation had reached such epic proportions.  In response to the bishop's announcement, we sent an email to the entire ward, giving the brief reasons that we stopped attending church.  We did this as our only means to tell our side of the story, and to put a stop to the gossip.  In response to our email, the bishop made another announcement, telling the ward that it is not necessary to read any further correspondence from us, nor to respond to our posts on Facebook  We received a handful of supportive responses to our email.

~~ October 2012 - We attended the ward Chili Cook-off.  We had a great time and most people were very friendly.  A few people seemed to avoid us.  We made a practice of walking up to people and chatting as though nothing had happened.  Every single person we talked to was kind, and some said they missed us.  We had huge hopes for our continued association with our ward family.

~~ October 31, 2012 - We hosted the ward Halloween party at our home.  We had lots of people attend, and everyone had a great time.  This gave us a lot of hope that we could maintain friendships in the ward in spite of our change in religious beliefs.

~~ November 9, 2012 - We received a particularly nasty email from a member of the ward.  The email called us to repentance, told us we were under the influence of Satan, stated that the writer knew we had a testimony and that we will pay for our sins in the eternity, and that the writer hoped we return to church before it is too late.  In response we posted the text of the email on Facebook, after deleting any identifying information.  We received an overwhelming response from friends from all walks of life, some as far back as high school, from our time living overseas, and from other wards we had lived in.  Oddly enough, we received only three messages of support from members of our own ward.  In addition, we lost a great many more Facebook friends from the ward.

~~ November 11, 2012 - My husband attended church to assess the fallout from our having posted the email on Facebook.  It's common practice in LDS wards to have a combined Priesthood and Relief Society lesson on the fifth Sunday of the month.  There was no fifth Sunday until the end of December, but the bishop moved all other lesson plans back a week in order to present a fifth Sunday lesson this particular week.  The focus of the hour was avoiding contention, especially in light of the email we had received and posted on Facebook, yet the bishop was very careful not to mention us by name.  He spoke extensively about those who leave the church and how we should treat them.  Some of what he said was positive, but there was also a message warning the members of the ward not to wander in the paths of darkness.  In other words, don't be like Pink Hedgehog and Mr. Pink Hedgehog, they have strayed from the path, so it is dangerous to listen to them.

~~ November 12, 2012 -  We had a member of the ward for dinner.  I had run into a member of the ward at the grocery store.  She and I had just been assigned as visiting teaching companions shortly before we left the church.  We went visiting teaching only once together, and then I never went back to church.  She thought she had done something to offend me.  I assured her that nothing could be further from the truth and invited her and her daughter to dinner.  We were seen talking at the store by a member of the ward, and reported to the bishop.  The bishop phoned her (according to my friend) twice before she came over to inquire as to her intentions in coming to my house.  To say the least, we were highly offended at this action on the part of the bishop.  The effectiveness of the spy network in the ward was shocking!

~~ November 17, 2012 - Our bishop came over to discuss the status of our relationship with the church.  We also addressed the ward spy network, and why he called to question people who are planning to be guests in our home.  We talked over many of our issues with church doctrine and history, and he realized that he was going to be of no help to us.  He had no answers to give us, because there are no answers that satisfy.  All along, I had refused to go into the bishop's office like some naughty child being sent to the principal.  My husband and I had done nothing wrong except to ask questions for which there are no good answers.

~~ November 24, 2012 - Our bishop phoned and wanted to stop by.  We chatted for a bit, making small talk, and then he got to the meat of the matter.  He invited us to voluntarily resign from the church or the stake would take action to excommunicate us.  We were simply astounded.  Our membership in the church actually meant very little to us at that point, and we had been on the verge of formally resigning.  Still, we refused to be bullied into resigning.  We asked the bishop for the reasons behind the threat.  His words were that we were "too influential" and "disturbing others".  That was it, nothing more, no other accusations.  Reeling from the shock, we saw the bishop to the door.

Later that evening, we had another couple from our ward coming for dinner and games.  They were just as shaken up as we were, and could not understand the actions of the bishop.  After our guests left, we fought back again, using the only means available to us, Facebook.  We again, received a large outpouring of support from our friends, but the members of the ward were silent.  Our friends on Facebook were outraged  by the behavior of the members of our ward.

~~ November 25, 2012 - We heard through the grapevine that the bishop once again went into Relief Society and Priesthood to discuss the situation.  We are unsure what exactly was said by the bishop, but by that evening, we had lost another portion of our Facebook friends who were also members of the ward.

~~November 26, 2012 - We emailed our stake president and appealed to him to stop the chaos that our bishop and our ward were creating.  We, if you remember, initially tried to walk away from the church quietly, by simply not attending.  Due to the rampant gossip in our ward, our situation became more and more public, against our wishes.  We felt that the only means at our disposal to clear our good name, and to tell our story was via email and Facebook.  Each time our ward or bishop struck out, we would strike back. Our stake president agreed to meet with us sometime during the Christmas holiday.

~~December 21, 2012 - We met with our stake president and reached a truce.  We explained our side of the story and how things got out of hand due to the actions of members of our ward.  He was understanding, and everything seemed to calm down.

~~ February 16, 2013 - We submitted our formal resignation from the LDS church (see link at the top of this post for the text of our resignation).  We emailed our resignation to Salt Lake City, to our entire ward, stake leadership, and all of the bishoprics in the stake.  There was no particular catalyst prompting our resignation.  We had simply reached the conclusion that the time had come to be able to say, "I am not Mormon".  By resigning, it also allowed me a measure of freedom to express my opinion about the church without fear of reprisals from the church.  I have some things that I need to say, and I deserve the freedom to say them without fear from any entity.

~~ February 28, 2013 - My 4th son and I received our official letters that our names had been removed from the records of the church.  As of this writing, we still have not received a letter for Mr. Pink Hedgehog. I did phone SLC, and they confirmed his name removal, but had no idea as to the whereabouts of his letter. 5th son will not receive a letter because he was never baptized.  2nd son resigned at the same time as us, but he is an adult and not in our ward.  3rd son is a minor and still attends church.  1st son is married and still attends church with his wife.

~~ April 5, 2013 - We threw a party for 2nd son who was leaving to go in the Air Force.  We invited people from our ward, many that we considered friends and some who had been our son's teachers and leaders.  A few RSVP'd that they would be attending but did not show up, one or two declined.  The vast majority of ward members we invited simply ignored our invitation.  One woman from the ward popped in for a few minutes, gave our son a gift, and ran off to a meeting.  We had a lot of guests at the party, but only the one from our ward.

As of this writing, we have received several supportive letters from members of our ward.   I received a very kind letter expressing love and support from our former Relief Society President.  Two emails came from members of the ward expressing remorse for harshly judging us and not being there for us, and also an acknowledgement that it was far too late at this point to do anything about it.  We have heard from several members of the ward who are closet non-believers but afraid to come forward.  We have had a visit from only one member of the ward, who came to apologize for her actions and for not supporting us.  We have had an overwhelming response of support from friends who are not members of our ward; some are religious and some are not.  Many, many friends have emailed us, messaged on Facebook, and gone out of their way to reach out to us and let us know of their love.  We have been so touched by these friends, and grateful for their loyalty.  These acts of kindness have made our journey much easier, in spite of being shunned by members of our ward.

Other than the few ward members I wrote about, we have been ignored by the members of our ward.  I have invited several women from the ward to lunch or breakfast, and been out with a few of them, or had them to our home.  None have invited me.  Everyone I have personally spoken with has been kind, and nobody has sent us an unkind email or letter.  If you read the text of our email to our ward, you saw that we invited the members of the ward to include us in their activities, game nights, ward activities, and other events.  We asked them to invite us over, stop by and visit, or reach out to us in any way.  Unlike many ex-Mormons, we welcome contact from the members of our ward.  We invited them to use our rototiller, or ask us for service, and reminded them that we are here to help in any way we can.  In the two months since our resignation, and the seven months prior to that, ever since we stopped going to church, we have not heard one peep from probably 90% of the ward.

We find that a very interesting occurrence.  We can only speculate on the reason our ward has shunned us.  Do they stay away because they are afraid?   Are they so busy with church responsibilities that they simply have no time for us? Do they feel betrayed by us?  Have they felt that by rejecting the church, we have rejected them?  Were they not truly our friends in the first place, but merely church acquaintances?   Do they stay away because they know in their hearts that we are right, yet they are unwilling to look?   It is likely that all of the above are true.

I write this not to condemn, but rather to teach.  If you have someone close to you who chooses to walk away from your faith, please show them love and acceptance.  Do not call them to repentance.  Do not tell them you know they have a testimony.  Do not chastise them.  Do not shun them.  Do not invite them over, bring them cookies, or do a service project, with the purpose of helping them "feel the spirit".  Spend time with them because you love them, and for no other reason.  Accept the fact that they are not coming back to church.  Ever.  Until you can do that, you cannot truly love them, and they know it.  All of the little messages with scriptures, or General Conference quotes are transparent, and not helpful.

We do not mourn the loss of our ward family.  We have learned who our true friends are, and that is a fabulous thing to know.  We have become very active in our local ex-Mormon community, and made lots of new friends.  We have been spending more time with our family, and with those friends who know our true character.  All in all, I feel free and happy.  I am enjoying life.  Learning the truth about the church of my childhood was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life.  Letting go of the harmful and false teachings has been the most refreshing experience of my life.  I am blogging, writing a book, looking for opportunities to serve in my community, and seeking for positive change in the world.  I no longer live in fear of anything, which is a very welcome change indeed.

Why Do Bad Things Happen?

This is probably one of the most common questions asked in the world today.  Horrors happen.  Lovely children get cancer, incredible people die of horrific diseases, tsunamis take uncountable lives, earthquakes destroy cities, spouses and fathers die in car accidents, people are tortured and killed.  There is a seemingly endless list of bad things that can happen.  The question is, why?

For nearly all of my life, I believed that good things happen to the righteous; bad things happen to those who are unrighteous, or to the righteous as faith building experiences.  I was raised Mormon, and thus with a belief that you get what you deserve.  Why did I believe such a thing?

Here is a quote from a general authority of the Mormon church.

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.” ― Richard G. Scott, October 1995

I used to think these words were full of wisdom.  Now I see that they are full of nonsense.  Basically, what this quote says is that bad things are going to happen to us.  It might be as a result of our disobedience to God's commandments,  or it might be a result of  God helping us to grow.  How is one to know the difference?  What if we think God is just testing us, but he's really punishing us for misdeeds, and we get our signals crossed.  We simply endure patiently, when we should be taking corrective action.  I've asked myself in recent months why God would do such a thing.  

When we lived in Israel a number of years ago, there was a tremendous earthquake, which killed huge numbers of people, in Bam, Iran.  One photo of the event will never leave my memory.   It was a photo of a father carrying the bodies of his two dead sons.  

What had this man done to deserve such a punishment?  He must have been very wicked indeed.  Maybe he was in need of polishing?  He must have been an extremely rough character in order require polishing of this magnitude.  Was God punishing this man for sin, or polishing him for everlasting benefit?  What kind of God kills a man's sons for either purpose.  I can tell you that if there is such a God, He is not a God that I would wish to worship.

As I began the heartbreaking process of accepting that the Mormon church was based on a carefully constructed web of lies, I began to question every religious "truth" I had ever been taught in my life.  I picked at the strands of the web, which had been holding my beliefs until the beliefs all fell in a heap on the floor.  I've begun taking each idea from the pile to see what I really think about each of them. 

I had always believed in a loving God.  I could not reconcile a loving God with a God who allows millions of Jews to be killed in the Holocaust, or sweeps away over 200,000 people in a tsunami, or allows buses to be blown to bits in Israel.  This photo came to my mind today, as I pondered the quote by Richard G. Scott, and my attempt to believe in a loving God who could and would do such things just snapped.  

If there is a God, I don't believe he would punish us in such ways.  If there is a God, I do not see that he is able to act in our lives.   My husband feels that if God does exist, that he operates on the principles of the Prime Directive (You're welcome, Star Trek fans).

One thing I feel in my heart is that bad things happen.  They just do.  No amount of righteousness, sin, repentance, faith, good works, hope, scripture reading, temple sessions, service, church attendance, casserole baking, or prayer will change the fact that bad things are going to happen to us.  Bad things happen, and they happen randomly.  God does not cause them.  YOU do not cause them, nor deserve them.

I do believe, however, that whether you grow or let yourself be destroyed by the bad things depends on you.  If you believe in God, or a specific religion, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Koran, prayer, meditation, yoga, or anything else, and that belief brings you peace and comfort, then that is a beautiful thing.  How you use your beliefs to heal from the bad things, is what matters, and how you use your beliefs to help your fellow man.

Bad things happen, they just do.  And it sucks.

The Wrecking Ball of Intolerance

We, as members of the human race want to be loved, heard, understood, and accepted.  How does intolerance kill?  Each time you reject someone, you kill a bit of their soul.  Those being rejected try not to care, yet they do care, they care a whole awful lot.  Intolerance is hate.  Intolerance is the equivalent of a wrecking ball, swinging through the lives of all those around the intolerant.  Smashing beyond recognition, everything in its path; splintering beyond repair, scattering bits to the wind.  Intolerance is abuse, hatred, anger, and most certainly not from God.

My heart is weeping today.  I can almost literally feel it seeping within me, dripping sadness.  I am hurting because I learned this week of the loss of two bright souls, who touched the lives of so many.  I need to say something, and if I can help even one person, it will be worth having written this.  Both of these  people happened to be gay.  They were abandoned by those around them; by family and friends, who claimed to love them.  Why can the religious not leave judgment to God?

Some time ago, I posted a link on my Facebook wall about the BSA and its stance on gays..  It is long past the time to do the right thing.  As I said on my Facebook post, a boy begins scouts when he is 8 years old, or younger.  He earns his Bobcat, Wolf, Bear, and Webelos.  He learns a great deal, he enjoys the program, and moves into Boy Scouts.  As he grows into adolescence (or even earlier), he comes to the realization that he is gay.  He finds himself invested in an organization that rejects him.

What is such a young man to do?  Should he throw out the achievements he has earned thus far?  Should he hide the truth?  He is stuck in an impossible situation. If you are heterosexual, how do you know it?  It's just something you are.  You can't change it.  You are who you are.  Every gay person I know feels exactly this way, and yet they are told by society, religious leaders, parents, friends, and even prophets that they are unacceptable.  Many are literally rejected by family and friends, thrown out, shunned, and banished.  How can someone claim to believe in and worship God and Christ and treat people this way?

Some of my Christian friends made negative comments about homosexuals on Facebook.  One of them actually stated that we must protect our children from homosexuals.  One common mantra was "love the sinner, hate the sin".  I cannot see hate and love existing in the same heart at the same time, directed at the same person.  You either love them or you don't.  It makes me sad, and heartsick, to see friends of mine treat other human beings in such a manner.  I have a number of gay friends and I would trust them with my kids over many other people who are heterosexual.

If you get nothing else from this post, understand this:  Being gay is not a flaw, nor is it an indicator of whether a person is of high moral character or not.  Personally, I think judging others and gossiping is one of the largest indicators of lack of moral character.  A person's ability to love and help those around him is an enormous clue to the nature of their heart.

These two lives, cut short, were filled with anguish.  Not because they were gay, but because they would never be accepted by those they loved the most.  They lived good lives, they loved, they smiled, they laughed, they achieved, they created, and they cried.  Behind all of this, was a deep gash, cut in their flesh, by those who supposedly loved them.

To anyone reading this, it's not too late.  Go to those you have harmed.  Hold them tight.  Wrap them in the arms of your love.  Think deeply about how Christ would treat them; go and do the same.  Do you really want those you have rejected to die with that ache in their heart?

Please stop the intolerance.  Go now, pick up the phone and make a call.  Go to them, and love.  You never know when death will visit.  Don't let it be you that waited too long.

A Tale of Two Red Shoes

For the past few years, I've developed an affinity for red shoes.  I don't know why, they are fun; they make me smile.

Our anniversary was a few weeks ago, and we went to a nice dinner downtown.  We were early for our dinner reservation, so we walked the streets downtown, taking in the interesting people, the construction sites, the guitarist on the corner, and the food carts on the sidewalks.   We window shopped, and I spotted these adorable shoes.  They were so cute that I stopped to take a picture.

They were so cute that I really, really, really wanted a pair.  I wanted a pair so badly that I couldn't get them out of my head.  I shared the picture of these shoes on Facebook.  I dreamed abut them, and thought about them constantly.  I felt like a little girl in a storybook who would be a fabulous dancer in these beautiful shoes.  Even weeks later, the thought of these shoes made me smile.  They reminded me of nice, ripe cherries, just picked form our cherry tree, plump and juicy, sweet and tasty, and well...perfect!

I didn't buy the shoes.

I thought a lot about why I didn't buy the shoes.

I didn't buy the shoes because I didn't feel good enough to deserve the shoes.   I didn't buy the shoes because I was raised by a mother who didn't buy things for herself and then complained about not buying things for herself.  I hated the complaining, so I determined not to complain, but I grew up and didn't buy things for myself.   I never complained, but I went without, and not out of necessity, but instead out of guilt.  I felt incredible guilt spending the family resources on myself.  As the years passed, I went without, even when I really needed something, I went without if I could make do instead.  Because I never complained, nobody noticed if I went without.  Inside, I died a little each time, I grew a little sadder, and I felt a little less self-worth.  Until I felt nearly worthless.  Pious but worthless.

Until one day when I found some stunning, rather expensive, red shoes.

We had enough money for the shoes, so it wasn't the money.  Every mother and woman should get a cute pair of shoes every once in a while, for no good reason, and not because she needs a pair of shoes, but just because they make her feel special.  As the weeks passed, I determined to purchase the shoes and to feel no guilt.  I hinted strongly that they would make a fabulous Valentine's Day present.  My sweetheart got me my incredible shoes.  He understands what these shoes mean to me.

So, to the women out there reading, I say to you, "Find your red shoes."  Discover something that makes you feel amazing.  It doesn't have to be expensive, but it does need to be just for you.  Take care of you.  Make sure that you don't reach the point where you feel worthless and pious.  It's wonderful to take care of yourself.  Take notice of those around you.  Do those you love have their "red shoes"?

Everyone needs a fabulous pair of red shoes.  Discover yours.  Feel no guilt.

Formal Resignation from the Church

My husband and I formally resigned from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints yesterday afternoon.  We emailed our resignation to church headquarters, our bishopric, our stake presidency, and every member of the ward that we had an email address for.  We sent the email, not to be "in their face", but to express our love to them.  We also wanted to express our reasons for leaving without giving too much information that they might not want to hear.  In addition, we wanted to clarify our position, and dispel any myths or rumors about our exit.  I'm including the text of our email below.  I highly recommend that everyone within the sound of my keystrokes watch the YouTube presentation that John Dehlin put together about why people leave the church.  It is not anti-Mormon in any way. John is, in fact, an active member of the church, having undergone a test and trial of his faith.  He calls himself a "reconstructed Mormon" and a believer.  If there is nothing else of value in my post, that is certainly a gem.

Now to the text of the email:

Dear Friends,

Because our leaving the church has been so public amongst the members of our Ward, Stake, and my [work] LDS colleagues, I am sending out one last email regarding this topic.

My wife and I have decided to formally resign from the church. Attached is our letter of resignation.

Our hearts are full for the kindness and extensions of love that many of you have shown over the past six months. We know this has not been easy for many of you and we are sorry for the grief that you have felt. We understand why you feel this way. We also understand that many of you may feel betrayed by what we have done.

We want to emphasize that we still see the good in the church. There are many aspects of it which we will always cherish and incorporate into our lives, such as the importance of families, being honest, seeking the good in life, serving others, being kind, considerate, and thoughtful to those around us, and ultimately living a more Christ-like and less self-centered lifestyle. We will always treasure and hold onto these moral teachings.

We also want to emphasize how much you as a community meant to us. We know you better than anyone else and because of that we know where your hearts truly lie. You want to make a difference in the world, you want to follow Christ, you want to be with your family forever, you want to return to our Heavenly Father. And because of this, you will make the sacrifices in your life to be worthy of these blessings. This is admirable and deserves respect.

We want you to know that we will always be here if you ever want to talk to us, continue with our friendship, or need help. We will gladly extend a hand of service if asked.

We may consider at some point in the future of returning to full fellowship, but only if our list of issues is addressed in honest and open dialog. We feel it is dishonest to have these topics hidden from faithful church members.

I have attached a presentation called “Top 5 Myths and Truths about why committed Mormons leave the Church” that was given to top leaders in the church by John P. Dehlin, creator of mormonstories.org and faithful member of the church. You can also find a youtube version of this presentation given by Brother Dehlin on his website:

http://mormonstories.org/top-5-myths-and-truths-about-why-committed-mormons-leave-the-church/

I have also attached a document detailing my exit story from the church and what happened to me as Ward Mission Leader that caused me to question my beliefs and search for the truth. In all fairness, I want to warn faithful members of the church that the content contains material that may be disturbing for you, but to the best of my knowledge it is accurate and does not contain anti-Mormon sentiments or literature. My exit was never based on half truths or misrepresentations of church history. It was based solely on science, archaeology, church history, doctrinal issues, and the misleading portrayals of early church leaders.

The bottom line for us to return to full fellowship is to be able to have honest, mature, and open discussions of what many see as the elephant in the room. We know you feel betrayed, and like I said before, we understand why. But you need to understand that we feel betrayed on a much greater scale. We feel lied to and deceived by former and current leaders of the church. We see how the church uses guilt and authority to keep their members in line and faithful. And we have been on the receiving end of many condescending and patronizing conversations. We have been accused of being led away be Satan, of wanting to sin, of wanting to be lazy, and of never having a testimony in the first place. As none of this is true, this perception by LDS members and leaders only makes our situation that much more difficult to deal with. Instead of reaching out to us with respect, understanding, and dialog, we have been made into a public spectacle and demonized, threatened, or generally ignored.

For this reason, we have decided to end our membership in the church. We cannot support an organization that treats their members this way in the time when they need support, love, and answers most.

Kind Regards,

WWJD & CTR

Many mainstream Christian churches use the catchphrase "What Would Jesus Do?"  Mormons use the phrase, "Choose The Right".  I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of these two mantras, and the application of them in everyday life.  Choosing the right essentially amounts to doing what Jesus would do, since Christ would be Christians' ultimate example, having lived a perfect life.

My husband and I became disaffected with the Mormon church about 6 months ago.  He has actually been pretending to believe for a couple of years.  He feared losing his family, his friends, and most of what he held dear, so he remained silent until he could stand it no longer.  We are very lucky to be exiting the church together, our marriage intact, and happier than ever.  My husband shared his doubts with me last June, and through my own study, in an attempt to bring him "back to the fold", I found things that stunned me.  For a more detailed accounting of our exit from the church, click here.

One of the problems we had with the church was the profusion of policies and practices that are not in keeping with what Jesus would do.  Here are just a few (I could write for a week):

• Tithing~~In the Mormon church, you are required to pay tithing in order to enter the temple.  If you are not paying a full tithe, which is considered to be 10% of your gross income, before taxes, then you are denied a temple recommend, and your bishop will actually revoke your recommend if you are not current on your tithing payments.  All members must have a temple recommend in order to participate in or witness temple ceremonies including weddings.  I began to ask myself whether Christ would behave in such a manner.   The bishop is supposed to be a representative of Christ, acting in the name of Christ.  Would Christ stand at the doors of the temple, forbidding the entrance of those who are not paid up?  Christ was not concerned with money.  He did not ask for money, and he certainly did not punish anyone who did not pay money to the church.  Christ actually threw the money changers out of the temple.  Certainly churches do need money to exist, but in my opinion, the Mormon way of going about this does not result in a freely given tithe, but smacks more of extortion.  They are holding "eternal families" hostage, until you have paid your money to the church. Would Christ have a cashier at the temple doors, checking to see if your account is current?  I think not. 
• Exclusion of nonmembers~~My son and his wife were married last summer.  They were put in the very difficult position of having to choose between their faith in the church and respect for his wife's parents.  Her parents are amazing people, very generous, kind, loving, and well respected in our local community.  I truly adore them!  If my son and his wife had chosen to get married in the temple, her parents would have been left standing outside.  Their crime?  They are not members of the Mormon church.  They are Catholic.  No one, who is not an endowed (having undergone the endowment ceremony in the temple) member can enter the temple to witness a wedding.  This means that adult friends who have not been endowed, and children cannot attend a Mormon wedding.  My sister's maid of honor was left waiting outside the temple a few years ago because she had not yet been endowed.  Not only that, endowed members who have not paid a full tithe, or who may be breaking the Word of Wisdom, may also not witness the wedding, because they will be unable to obtain a temple recommend.  I will be sad forever because my husband and I chose our church over his loving mother.  She was left out of our wedding.  It brings tears to my eyes, even now,  23 years later, thinking of the hurt she must have felt.  I love her so much, and I'm so sorry that we caused her this heartbreak.  I'm proud of my son and his wife for standing up and doing the right thing.  They were married out at the beach, so everyone they love could be present.  Would Christ stand at the temple entrance, turning away loving parents, friends, and family members for such trivial reasons?  I think not.
• Only one piercing, ma'am ~~In 2001, Gordon B. Hinckley gave a talk at the Conference Center in Salt Lake City, which was broadcast to the youth of the church around the world.  In this talk, he counseled young women to have only one piercing per ear, and young men to have none.  I have had two holes in each ear since I was 16 years old, which was many years ago.   I have been repeatedly judged for having two earrings in each ear, and even spoken to by some of the women in the church.  I did attempt to remove my second pair of earrings, but the hole would get infected as it tried to close, so I chose to leave my second pair in.  I was told that if I had more faith, that I would be able to remove the second pair.  I have been chastised more than once for not following the words of the prophets.  With all of the serious issues facing the youth of this world, it seems silly to me to think that God gives a hoot about earrings.  I began to ask myself if Christ would care about something so ridiculous.  I think not.
• The Word of Wisdom~~As I studied the history of the Word of Wisdom, I became more and more disturbed by this practice.  In order to obtain and keep a temple recommend, you must be living the Word of Wisdom.  Apparently, though, you do not need to live all of the parts of the Word of Wisdom, just the parts the current leadership has deemed to be important.  "Hot drinks" are not allowed, but has been interpreted as including only coffee and tea.  Hot cocoa, not cider, and herb teas are all acceptable.  Meat is to be eaten only in times of famine and winter, and yet it's common to serve ham at a 4th of July church breakfast, and to eat meat at any time of year, not just during winter and famines.  If you are not keeping the Word of Wisdom, you cannot even join the Mormon church.  I began to ask myself whether Christ would forbid those who drink coffee and smoke cigarettes from entering the temple or getting baptized.  I think not.
• Love the sinner, hate the sin~~I've heard this phrase more times in the past few months than I ever care to again.  It doesn't even make sense to me how you could have love in your heart for someone, but hate what they are doing.  I can see being disappointed in someone's behavior, but hate?  If I hate the fact that someone is gay, and feel that I need to protect my children from them, then how can I love them?  I have pondered a lot about how Christ treated sinners.  He embraced them, he sat among them, he ate with them.  He didn't say that he hates what they do. I don't even know who made up that phrase, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with being Christian or acting as Christ would.  Does Christ love the sinner but hate the sin?  I think not.
• Excluding homosexuals~~The BSA is currently on the verge of deciding whether or not to allow individual troops to drop the ban on homosexuals.  I'm very disappointed that they did not vote this week to drop the ban, putting off the vote until May.  This past few days, I had a great deal of Facebook discussion with Christian friends, LDS friends, exmormon friends, and friends with no religion.  It was clear that far too many people in my circle of friends have an irrational fear of homosexuals.  There has been a lot of speculation about what the Mormon church will do if they BSA lifts the ban, and the consensus seems to be that the church will sever ties with the BSA.  What is to be done for these young men who began scouts at the age of 8, or younger, who discover, as they become teenagers that they are, in fact, gay?  Are they to leave the boy scouts, abandoning all of the work and achievements up to that point?  Should they lie, and pretend not to be gay?  Or, should they be accepted and mentored, and allowed to earn their Eagle Scout?  What would Christ do?  Would Christ throw them out and deny them the honor they have earned?  I think not.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints claims to be the only true church on the face of the earth.  That's a pretty hefty claim to maintain, especially in light of the practices I wrote about.  They claim that Christ is at the head of the church, and yet so many things that are taught in church are not in keeping with the teachings of Christ.    Here's a helpful hint for anyone who wants to start up a new Christian church:  You might want to start with the teachings of Christ, as recorded in the Bible, and go from there.

For anyone who is reading this, and claims to be Christian.  I ask you, I implore you to think.  Before you act, think.  What would Jesus do?  Truly think.  What would Jesus do?

My thoughts on LDS women and depression

There have been many reports and studies showing that there are higher rates of depression in Utah, and that Utah has the highest consumption rate of anti depressants in the US, per capita.  I'm not writing here to debate statistics, I don't need a study, or a series of studies to tell me what I can observe, and what I have seen in my own life.

I had an epiphany the other day as I was thinking of all of the women in the church, overwhelmed with sadness and inadequacy.  I remembered from my child psychology courses in college, that developing children react in one of two ways to unpleasant circumstances.  They either become angry or sad.  In a child, the anger response is much more healthy, it means that they are focusing the blame for the circumstances on external circumstances.  Sadness indicates that the child is internalizing the unpleasantness and seeing the goal as impossible and failure as inevitable.  It is healthy, as children grow and learn, to internalize some failures, in order to learn to take responsibility for one's actions and make adjustments to achieve success.  Healthy adults recognize that success and failure is due to a combination of external forces and personal choices.  Some things we can control, and some we cannot.  Demands put on us by others, especially unreasonable demands contribute to an atmosphere of hopelessness and sadness.

I have been thinking this over a great deal since discovering that the church of my youth is based on a foundation of lies and flawed doctrine.   Faithful members of the Mormon church are taught each week in church about the many things they should be accomplishing in order to achieve exaltation.  An impossible list develops of things we must be doing, should be doing, could be doing, and are expected to do.  I decided to make lists of the things expected of me post Mormonism and during Mormonism.    They are very eye opening lists; the latter is by no means comprehensive, it's just a quick list that popped into my head while writing.

Post Mormonism

• Try to treat others with kindness, respect, and tolerance
• Household chores
• Plan and prepare meals
• Attend to the needs of my children
• Spend time with my family
• Spend time with my husband and enjoy his company
• Enjoy my friendships
• Develop hobbies
• Look for opportunities to serve others

During Mormonism

• Get married to a returned missionary in the temple
• Have babies
• Stay home and take care of the babies
• Don't put off children for education
• Get an education, especially my husband
• Avoid contention in the home
• Personal scripture study
• Personal prayer
• Couple's scripture study
• Couple's prayer
• Attend church every Sunday
• Attend weekday activities
• Get my boys to scouts each week
• Pay 10% tithing
• Study my Relief Society and Sunday School lessons ahead of time
• Accept a calling and magnify them (in my case, three callings)
• Obey my husband as he obeys God
• Family scripture study every day
• Hold Family Home Evening every Monday
• Family prayer twice a day
• Family council
• Genealogy
• Attend the temple regularly
• Make sure church clothes are ready each Sunday
• Teach my children the gospel
• Visit teach 4 women each month
• Maintain and rotate a year's supply of food
• Learn to use my food storage
• Support my husband in his calling
• Participate in service projects
• Have my children baptized
• Prepare my sons for missions
• Help clean the church building
• Sign up for initiatories and sealings at the temple
• Keep a journal
• Do missionary work / share the gospel
• Attend social events such as ward dinners and activities

After leaving the church, most of the items on the second list disappeared.  I realized that most of them are not important.  Women in the church are great at looking amazing on the outside, while falling apart on the inside.   Our marriage is certainly much happier than it was before.  For one thing, we discovered that each of us is quite happy with the other, just as we are.  When we were active in the LDS church, we each expected the other to conform to a set of ideals.  These ideals were coming from outside our marriage, not from within.  Once we let go of those expectations, our marriage was instantly transformed.  Honestly, overnight, transformed.  Never before had we such peace and contentment between us.  This has continued for the entire six months we have been out of the church.

My personal belief, and it's a theory I would be willing to test, is that women in the church feel unhappy, unworthy, and unable to be all that they are supposed to be.  These demands all come from external sources, and yet women in the church feel a deep sense of sadness because they are unable to be all and do all.  They feel, and are taught that if they just had more faith, if they were more diligent at reading scriptures, saying prayers, and completing all of the items on the second list above, that they could then attain happiness.    Each Sunday, I would sit in my meetings listening to a lesson or sermon on a topic such as family scripture study, or contention in the home.  Each Sunday, I would leave church feeling as though I'm just not doing enough, even though I was running ragged trying to do it all.  I was filled, all to frequently with a tremendous burden of guilt, at not being the wife, mother, woman, sister, and church member that I should be.  I cannot remember a single time, at church, where I sat in the service thinking, "Yes, awesome!  I am doing all of that stuff just right!"  Never, not once.

 The ironic thing is that the LDS church is supposed to be the one true path to happiness.

Women in the church do not get angry at the leaders outside themselves who are imposing these expectations.  After all, it is a sin to criticize your leaders, even if you believe they are wrong.  Instead, they turn inward, fill their hearts with guilt, and blame themselves for not being strong enough to do it all.  Anger would be a much more healthy response.  Stand up!  Speak!  Yell!  No!!  I will not take another calling.  I don't want to read my scriptures every day, I don't believe in having to go to the temple on a frequent basis.  I won't do it all!  I want to spend time with my family, not doing church things.  I'm good enough just the way I am!  I'm amazing, dammit, stop telling me that I'm not!

When I left it all behind, I have found a more consistent happiness and joy than ever before in my life.  What I was told would make me happy was, in fact, creating misery.

The Emperor Has No Clothes

The time has come to be open about some important events in our lives.  Usually my blog is lighthearted, talking about fun things, stories of my kids, recipes, and the ubiquitous sock knitting.  This post is serious.  It's about something that changed my life.  It is a change for the better, about living an authentic life, but it's been shocking nonetheless.

Last summer, one of the most devastating things I thought could ever happen to me, did, in fact happen.  Short of divorce, or death of a loved one, the worst thing that could happen to a faithful LDS wife is for her husband to lose his faith and walk away from the church.  This is what happened to me.  I knew almost immediately that I must do everything I could to save my family and to bring my husband back to the fold.

My husband is a good man.  He and I were both worthy temple recommend holders at the time these events occurred.  Within a week, I decided to study each of his issues with church doctrine and history in order to prove him wrong and bring him back.  Within three weeks, I had found enough disturbing information from the church's own website, the Biography of Joseph Smith by his Mother, Lucy Mack Smith, and from the LDS apologist websites including FAIR to conclude that the church is indeed false, based on lies, continued lying, and flagrant deceit.

I was crushed.  I had dedicated the whole of my life to this church.  I believed in the teachings with all of my heart and soul.  I attended early morning seminary every day before my school days in high school.  I attended BYU and graduated with a degree in psychology.  I took classes on church history at BYU, and other religious classes.  I read a great deal on my own about church history.  I have a collection of biographies of the prophets that belonged to my grandfather.  Parley P. Pratt was one of my heroes.  In short, I was no dummy regarding church history.  I had studied extensively and faithfully read my scriptures.  I wasn't perfect, but I was always the good Mormon girl who tried to do everything I could to "choose the right".

How could this information have been hidden from me?  How did I get to be 43 years old and not know that Joseph Smith had 33 wives including teenagers and other men's wives?  As a matter of fact, I have been sharing this information about Joseph Smith's polygamy with other LDS friends.  Some of them are unfazed, saying, "Yeah, I know all about that."  Others are shocked and stunned, and one person even said, "I can't believe that someone as educated as you would believe that Joseph Smith had more than one wife.  He loved Emma and he would never do that to her."   My response was, "Well, the world is round, balls bounce, and Joseph Smith had many wives.  They are all facts, acknowledged facts."  In the December 1978 Ensign, there is an article about the Newel K. Whitney family, which is one of, if not the only mention of Joseph Smith's polygamy on lds.org.  If this is not lying and deceit, I don't know what is.  He had 33 wives (give or take a couple), and yet there is only this one mention.  No wonder people are shocked and surprised by finding this information out.  Here's a link to a greatYouTube video about how the church hides the truth and yet pretends to tell the truth.  A friend told me last night that the history of polygamy is no longer relevant.  No longer relevant?  Polygamy is still doctrine.  It's in section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants.  They cannot practice it with two living wives, but it's doctrine and LDS women need to understand this.

How did I not know about the history of the Word of Wisdom?  I did not know that Brigham Young owned a whiskey distillery in Utah, and being mayor of Salt Lake City, he sold his whiskey to the city for celebrations.  The bishop's storehouse had to dispose of approximately 2,000 gallons of wine when the church finally began to observe the word of wisdom.  It wasn't until the mid 1900's that the Word of Wisdom was widely lived, contrary to the picture the church loves to present.  If the Word of Wisdom was lived how the church likes to pretend it was lived, then why did the city of Salt Lake ever purchase whiskey for celebrations?  Brigham Young was the mayor, making the whiskey, and selling it to the city, and presumably consuming it as well.  In the version presented to students of the gospel, Joseph Smith received this wonderful revelation, everyone lived it right away, and they all lived happily ever after.

How did I ever accept that it's OK to punish an entire race of people because Cain killed his brother?  Racism is wrong, it has always been wrong, and it will always be wrong.  Racist practices were never from God, and any church saying so is a false church.  I don't care if it's written in the Bible, or anywhere else in history books.  Racism is wrong.  Any use of common sense and rational though tells you that, and yet the church held this practice until 1978.  Jane Elizabeth Manning was sealed to Joseph Smith as a servant in the eternities.  She was black, and begged her whole faithful life to be allowed to partake of temple blessings.  Finally, the leadership allowed her to be sealed as a servant to Joseph Smith.  This is wrong. Nothing anyone can say to attempt to explain this away can make it right.  It's just wrong, period.  You will find nothing about her on lds.org.  Why? Because it's embarrassing.  It's wrong.  The church likes to pretend that people will never find out about these things, so they act like they don't exist.  But they do exist, people are finding them, and are being shocked at the lies.  

The more I read about the character of Joseph Smith in his own mother's words, and the more I read about the true history of the church, not the one that the church presents in the lesson manuals and missionary lessons, the more I couldn't believe that I had ever believed it.  Racism is wrong, polygamy is wrong, lying is wrong, discrimination is wrong.  God loves all of his people equally.  Any mandate pretending to be from God cannot be from God if it involves any of the aforementioned practices and policies.

Our lives are much happier now, living with truth in our hearts instead of copious lies.  I cannot abide a church that will lie, but yet not let members enter the temple unless they are "honest in dealings with fellow men".  I won't stand for a church that lets loving non member parents of a beautiful young woman, stand in the cold, crying outside the temple because they don't happen to belong to the same church as their daughter.  It sickens me that a church will not allow parents to attend their own child's wedding unless they are paid up on their tithing.  For lack of writing the church a check, these faithful parents are also left standing in the cold, in tears.  It's not right, everyone with any sense knows it's not right and yet many accept it an obey rather than leading a revolt to stand up against the tyrants.  This is my revolt, the beginning of the revolution in my own heart, my own life, and my own family.  All it takes is one person at a time pointing out that emperor has no clothes on before it becomes the acknowledged truth.  This is happening in wards and stakes all over the world.  The church is false, the general authorities actively lie and deceive, every day, in every lesson manual, on their website, in General Conference, in history books, in the scriptures, in television, radio, and print interviews.  For a "true" church, there sure is a lot of lying going on.

Below, I am including the text of my "exit story".  I wrote it in a Star Wars theme because of an ongoing joke between my husband and myself during our transition out of the church.  I hope you enjoy it!

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a brave young soul named John. John had many talents, but he was a lost soul with no direction in his life.

A sweet, beautiful young maiden named Jane moved to John’s corner of the galaxy. John and Jane happened to attend the same school. Jane first laid eyes on John in chemistry class, and thought John was super cute. John and Jane became friends and then they became sweethearts.

There was a problem for John and Jane. Jane was a Jedi; John was not. What’s a Jedi, you ask? A Jedi is one of the chosen people, a warrior, one possessing “The Force” Jane’s mother did not want Jane to date a non-Jedi and told John that he must convert to The Force or be forbidden his only true love. John was completely smitten with Jane and decided to explore the idea of becoming a Jedi himself. John took lessons to learn what it means to become a Jedi.

Becoming a Jedi sounded like a great idea. You get The Force to be with you all the time. You get to be part of a wonderful Jedi family. You can do many things to serve others, and your family can be together for eternity. You can also keep yourself free from harmful substances such as coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco. Becoming a Jedi is so easy. Just a few lessons, then you can join the Jedis forever. John was especially lucky because, being a boy, he can get the special Lasar Sword Force, which is denied to girls. . This special force is the most powerful in the universe and John was told it can move mountains, although no record has been found to date that any mountain has ever been moved using The Force. This is only because no Jedi with the priesthood has had the faith to do it--or because they choose to not tempt the Jedi God.

It was a happy day when John became a Jedi. He joined the Jedi clan with enthusiasm and soon embraced their ways as his own. He attended weekly meetings to worship in the Jedi way. After some time had passed, John and Jane decided that John should embark on a two year journey to a foreign land in order to convince others to enter the Jedi ranks. John left on his journey, while Jane stayed behind and attended the Jedi University.

Jane faithfully waited for John to return. John and Jane exchanged letters, encouraging one another on the Jedi path. Only six weeks after John returned, John and Jane were married for all eternity in the Jedi Temple. Time passed. John and Jane finished their educations, both at Jedi U. They were blessed with two young padawan sons by the time Jane graduated, and three sons by the time John finished his studies..

They could not have been happier.

It was stressful being poor students and having three children. But John and Jane knew this is the path they must take because the Jedi General Authorities, yea, even those in the great and monolithic Jedi headquarters in Salt Lake City, the hub of all Jedi knowledge, had so decreed.. The mandate was not to put off marriage for education, children for education, or education for service.. One must do all of these, and trust that the Jedi God would provide. In spite of a hectic life filled with mutually conflicting mandates, John and Jane were secure in the knowledge that they were following the Jedi way.

They believed with all their hearts that it was the only way to true happiness.

It came to pass that John finished his education at Jedi University. John took a job in another state with his dream company and life was good in Jedi land. Another padawan joined the family and another, all sons. What a blessing to have so many sons to dedicate to the Jedi cause!

Meanwhile, Jane did all of the things that good Jedi wives do. She cooked, cleaned, took care of kids, made lots of crafts, and stayed true to the Jedi order. Jane never doubted the teachings, or looked for answers to things that did not make sense. Jane was certain that the Jedi way was the only way to live.

John, however, had periods of secret doubt. Questions nagged at John for years. When John sought answers to his questions, the answers he discovered seemed to indicate that the Jedi way was a false path. John attempted to show this to Jane, but Jane would not hear any evil speaking of the Jedi way. John gave up his quest for answers and pretended he did not know some of the things he knew.

He pushed the questions down because he loved Jane and did not want to rock the Jedi loveboat.

One day, John realized that he could no longer turn a blind eye to the problems with the Jedi way. He decided that he must seek the truth no matter where the truths lead him. John soon learned that the Jedi way was not only false, but actually corrupt! He was shocked to read for the first time that the revered First Jedi, Joseph Smith, had been a man of low character. History showed him to be a liar, polygamist, convicted con man, who pretended to be a prophet. All other Jedi’s revere this man, even very nearly worship him. What was John to do?

Perhaps The Force would turn on him if he spoke his thoughts.

John decided that some of the Jedi ways were good. He decided that he would, once again, pretend to believe in the Jedi ways. After nearly two years of this pretense, John no longer could pretend. Risking his family, his happy home, and his standing with other Jedi’s, John sat with Jane and told her that he had turned to the Dark Side and no longer believed that being a Jedi was a good way to live.

Jane was shaken to her core. Jane asked that night that John go and speak with the Jedi High Priest, which John did. At this time, John held a position on the Jedi High Council, a position of some distinction and visibility within the Jedi ranks. John was well known and well loved. Speaking with the Bishop had no effect on John’s decision to leave the Jedi order.

Jane decided that she would remain a faithful Jedi, no matter what John decided. John and Jane spent endless hours talking about the new life they were facing, Jane as a faithful Jedi, and John...not. . John jokingly said, “You can always join me on the Dark Side.” Jane replied, “No way, I’m a Jedi!” This addition of humor, became an inside joke between Jane and John, and lightened the mood considerably.

Over the next few days, Jane asked many questions. She was very concerned about the future of their family. Within a week, Jane decided that she needed to learn more about John’s issues with the Jedi order and study with him, so she could bring him back. Her plan was to show John the errors in his decision. John told Jane that there was DNA evidence showing that the Jedi Bible was false, that is, that it was of human origin rather than divine John also told Jane about more evidence proving that the Jedi order was not true. Jane had difficulty accepting the things John was telling her.

Finally, John told Jane that he had problems with the character of Joseph Smith. Jane had faith in Joseph Smith, and the book he translated by the power of God. She suggested that they read the History of Joseph Smith by His Mother, in order to explore the character of Joseph Smith. In that book, Jane found evidence that Joseph Smith could have written his book instead of translating it. His mother cheerfully wrote of the wonderful tales he spun about the ancient inhabitants of the continent “as if he lived among them.” She stated he thus kept them enthralled for hours will his remarkable storytelling ability. Jane was speechless; she felt as though she’d been struck in the stomach by a light saber. Something she had believed her whole life may not, in fact, be true.

At the very moment Jane found the first crack of doubt in her wall of faith, she could finally admit some things about the Jedi order that had never felt right to her. The Jedis practiced polygamy for decades. For the majority of their history, Jedis prohibited those with dark skin from holding the power of the Laser Force and partaking of the higher blessing of entering the Jedi Temples of Light Endowment. Jane knew, in her gut that these things were wrong, but she accepted them because of her faith in Joseph Smith.

Once the doubt began, the doubt grew. Jane discovered many more problems with the Jedi doctrine. She became obsessed with studying the history of the Jedi order. John called Jane his “little pit bull” because of her tenacious quest for the truth, wherever it would lead. Within days, Jane accepted the devastating truth. The Jedi order was false. Truth is truth.

Only three weeks had passed since John had told Jane he was leaving the Jedi order. Suddenly, they were united again in their conviction-- both out, and free. John was overjoyed; he was also stunned with disbelief. How could this be? His precious Jane was willing to look at the truth and accept it. So many who discovered truth paid the price of losing their wife and children. John knew he was one lucky former Jedi.

A short time later, John and Jane were walking hand-in-hand, along the shore. Jane said, “You know, this whole time we thought we were following the Jedi Order of Light, but in reality, we were following the Dark Side.” What they once thought was light and truth, was in fact interwoven with lies.

Thus ends the quest for truth in the lives of John and Jane, two jedis freed.