The General Conference Talk that Should Have Been

At last weekend’s Mormon General Conference, Jeffry R. Holland delivered one of the most disturbing talks that has ever been uttered over the LDS pulpit.  He worked every mother of a wayward child into a panicked frenzy over the lost soul that was her son or daughter.  His words and those of other LDS general authorities amount to nothing more than a war cry towards apostates.

The Mormon Church is losing members at a rate that is sending shock waves of alarm among the glorious fifteen rich, white, privileged men who run the corporation masquerading as a church.  The membership is dropping, and by that I mean that people are actually resigning from the church in droves.  People are packing up and leaving, whole families even, and these are not the people on the fringes of Mormonism. These are the stalwart, temple recommend-holding Mormon poster children type families.  Poof, gone!  Along with their money, time, and talents.

Now, the church has two choices.  They can choose to sooth the fears of the parents of errant children by taking a gentle stance of Christian kindness and unconditional love, or they can choose the gestapo route.  I had hoped, when I left the church three years ago, that they would choose the former, but unfortunately, with every passing conference, it’s clear that they are choosing the latter.

Here I present the Conference Talk that Should Have Been:

My Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am humbled to stand before you today to speak about an extremely sensitive topic.  Many of you, maybe even most of you have a son, daughter, or other loved one who has left the Mormon Church to pursue another path in life.  I say firmly to you, to each of you within the sound of my voice that you have only one option, and that is to love your wayward loved ones with the absolute unconditional love of Christ.  

Now, we speak of this term a great deal in the church.  What does it actually mean?  Unconditional love is exactly that.  Love without conditions, acceptance, kindness, and inclusion.  Do not weep and tell them that you are praying for their lost souls.  Do not exclude them from family events.  Do not gossip about them because they do not wear clothing that is in keeping with Mormon standards.  Do not judge them for drinking alcohol, smoking, getting tattoos, multiple piercings, being gay, or living with their significant other outside the bonds of marriage.  After all, didn’t God instruct us to let him do the judging?   This means that you do not get to judge them.  Period.

Which is a greater sin?  To stray from the straight and narrow path than is Mormonism, or to judge another who strays?  I say to you that it is a greater sin to judge, because God himself reserved that privilege for himself.  Is it not enough that you quietly live your own convictions, and leave others to live their lives as they see fit?  God only expects of you to concern yourself with your own thoughts and deeds, not those of your loved ones.  

I speak now, especially to the mothers.  These are your children.  The little one you cared for, loved and taught the best you knew how.  You spent sleepless nights while they burned up with fever.  You mended their scraped elbows, and dried their tears.  You cooked countless meals for them.  You rocked them, sang to them, read to them, taught them to pray, and took them to church.  They were a gift from God to you.

Now they are grown.  It is their time to live a life of their own choosing, even if it is not the life you would choose for them.  The beauty of our time on earth is that we all have the agency to choose the life we want to live.  Do not mourn for them.  Rejoice that they are living the plan God set in place.  God gave them the right to determine the path for themselves.  You have done all you can, and now is the time to set them free.

If you are going to pray for them, pray that they find happiness and joy in whatever they pursue in life.  It may not be the ideal life for you, but you can love them and support them as they make their way in this world.  Some will be doctors, scientists, athletes, musicians, artists, philosophers, teachers, and I pray that all of them will achieve truly great things.  Pray that they will find peace in serving their fellow man.  Pray that they will find solace in your arms, that they will trust you and love you because they know that you will never judge them.

Most of all, pray for yourself, that you can find peace and acceptance in your own heart, free from guilt, fear, or remorse for any failings that you might burden yourself with.  Be confident that you truly did the best you could, and did your utmost to raise your babies to be loving human beings.  I say to you that everything will be okay.  I believe in a loving God, who cares just as deeply for your children as he does for you.  God is just, he is kind, and he is forgiving.

Weep not, worry not.  Be of good cheer as you wrap your children and loved ones in your comforting arms as only parents are able.  Trust that God knows you and knows your children, and after all, the Lord looketh on the heart.

Becoming Myself

When I saw my therapist last Friday, she said something that got me thinking. I was telling her about having purposely severed a longtime friendship, and some family relationships, and all because of the church. She said that it seems that in Mormonism, development of self and personal identity comes secondary to faith in the church.

It's so very true.

When I was Mormon, I wouldn't cook with wine, or order a wine dish at a restaurant in order to stay as far away from "evil" as possible. If I'd used my rational brain, I would have realized that a little wine in a food dish isn't going to turn me into an alcoholic, and it's not unhealthy, which is supposedly the point of the Word of Wisdom. In reality, Mormon rules are more about exerting control over the masses than anything else. If you can control people's diets, sex lives, wardrobes, money, what kind of TV they watch, who they marry, and how they spend their private time, you control their very existence and their psyche.

It's rare to find an LDS woman who was raised to be strong, and to find her passion in life. Little girls are taught from an early age to desire motherhood above all. Girls are not taught to find something that drives them and to go for it. Girls feel defective if they want something other than the standard issue Mormon woman's life. Girls are not free to develop their identity, whatever that be, without the oppressive expectations of Mormonism. A young girl isn't free to say that she dreams of being a Navy pilot one day. She may not even admit it to herself, even if it's the most amazing thing she's ever heard of. She definitely wouldn't admit it to her parents, or church leaders. The pressure to conform is intense, and it takes a strong, rebellious personality to break free. Unfortunately, that rebellion is undesirable, and harshly punished.

"Good" is determined by the religion, not by the person's own intellect and moral code. Often, the religious person has a warped moral code, based entirely on Mormon minutiae such as wearing of garments, having a beer at a party, saying fuck, or wearing a sleeveless top, rather than things that really matter such as honesty, loyalty, kindness, and compassion. Some of the best people I know have foul mouths, tattoos, piercings, and drink beer (one of these people is me), all of which would make them “bad” people to Mormons. This judgement, from what I can tell, is based entirely on superficial adherence to rules, rather than being based on deeper moral character traits.

I recently came across five glaring examples to demonstrate my point:

1. Brent posted a story in a Facebook group about his father. When the grandchildren in the family turn 8, Brent’s father, who is an artist, would paint a portrait of the grandchild. In the Mormon religion, children routinely get baptized at the age of 8. Brent’s youngest daughter, Maggie, had turned 8, but since Maggie’s family had left the Mormon Church, Maggie was not getting baptized, and therefore, was informed that she would not be receiving a portrait from her grandfather. This little girl was devastated. An artist in the group offered to paint the little girl’s portrait, and Brent has given me permission to use his photograph of the painting for my blog post. This act of service and kindness from a complete stranger touched the hearts of many. If you are in the market for some beautiful art, please consider purchasing something from this wonderfully caring woman.
2. My friend, Clark, found himself divorced after leaving the church. He and his wife had four small children at the time. His ex-wife posted on Facebook that nobody should judge Clark, that he was the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for, but that she had her own reasons for the divorce. Those reasons? He didn’t believe in the church. He no longer fit the “Peter Priesthood” role that she expected him to fill, and therefore was disposable.
3. I recently came across a manicotti recipe. The recipe actually looks disgusting (Velveeta, blech), but the comments on the recipe were a clear demonstration of the childish mentality created by Mormonism. The recipe called for a jar of vodka sauce. The women fretted and debated back and forth about the dangers of using this sauce and whether it would cause them to break the word of wisdom. The exchange was quite humorous, and I’ll let you experience it for yourself here.
4.  My friend Angela posted on Facebook that her daughter, Kimmy, had recently turned 8, but did not plan to get baptized. Angela’s parents were relentless with the nagging, pushing, shaming, and constant Mormon sales pitch towards Kimmy. Finally, in frustration, Kimmy yelled out, “No means NO!!” The grandparents were horrified at the disrespect, but Angela pointed out that they were the ones being disrespectful of Kimmy’s right to choose.
5. Some decades ago, a woman, Tracy and her family left the church. They announced to the family that their son would not be getting baptized. Tracy’s in-laws sent a letter stating that it would have been better for Tracy’s entire family to have died in a fiery car crash than to have left the church because at least their eternal salvation would have been secure. When my husband first left the church, I thought something similar, and blogged about it here.

In the absence of religion, would any of these five situations have occurred? Would a loving grandfather refuse to paint a portrait of his granddaughter? What could an eight year old child possibly do to incur such wrath in the real world? In the real world, would Clark’s wife have divorced him, even though she admits that he is a great husband and father? In the real world, are women so terrified of alcohol that they are afraid to use a vodka sauce, or order chicken marsala? What kinds of things do grandparents in the real world expect of eight year old children? Politeness, kindness, respect, enjoying their company, sending a thank you note for gifts? Would rational people in the real world really wish people dead rather than leaving a religion? When people who have never been Mormon hear these stories, they have a hard time believing that the tales are not exaggerated. Yet I read and hear many stories just like these every single day.

This is why we have a difficult time dealing with Mormons after we leave. We are constantly measured by friends, family, and spouses by the yardstick of Mormonism. We sometimes have to cut people out of our lives due to the relentless judgement and criticism. We know that we are good, moral people. We realize that you don't need any religion, much less Mormonism to be a good person. Mormons think that Mormonism is the most important quality to determine whether or not you are a good person. Being Mormon is the ultimate in "good".

Only it's not.

Now I am free to soar, to become whoever I want to become.  I'm free to judge the merits of others based on how they treat me and their fellow human beings.  I'm free from dogma and fear, and I'm free to find out who I am.  Freedom tastes incredible!

Our Marriage Redefined

I've been married to Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my high school sweetheart, for 25 years.  Like all marriages, we've had our ups and downs, seriously stressful times, and years of absolute bliss.  We've come through a lot together, and somehow managed to cling to each other instead of pulling apart.  That is, until the unthinkable happened.  In 2013, our neighboring state of Washington legalized gay marriage.  Suddenly, a sense of foreboding filled our home, and we knew that it was only a matter of time until our own state of Oregon followed suit.  We wondered how we could possibly grasp the remaining threads of our relationship and attempt to keep it together, what with all of this redefining going on.  Then the absolute worst; Oregon legalized gay marriage as of May 19, 2014.  A cloud of doom settled over us and simply will not leave.  How can we continue with our loving relationship, knowing that people of the same sex can now enjoy all of the privileges we have enjoyed for 25 years?

I've heard this argument, ad nauseum, from my religious friends, that redefining marriage somehow harms heterosexual marriage.  When I ask how, exactly, the harm is caused, they are at a loss for words.  It's a tired cliche that they hear at church and on Fox News, and repeat without even thinking about what they are saying.  For one thing, since when is redefining a term a bad thing?  Redefining merely clarifies, expounds, extends, or evolves, it's neither good nor bad, it just is.

First of all, how many times has marriage been redefined in the course of history?  Too many to count.  How many times was marriage redefined in the Bible, for goodness sake?  Concubines, women sold as property, women given as gifts or as bargaining chips in a land deal, just to name a few.  Hell yes, let's redefine!  I'm nobody's property, I'm not some gift to be given or traded.  The fact that marriage, for the most part, has been relatively recently redefined as one man and one woman marrying each other for love, and of their own choice doesn't make that kind of marriage the "traditional" kind of marriage.  There are more traditions of marriage than I can count on my fingers and toes combined, so what makes this most recent tradition the correct one?  God said so, you say?  Um, God said lots of other things as well, such as Abraham taking a concubine, and then another wife after Sarah's death.  God also told Mormons to grab as many wives as possible, even if they are young teens and you're a middle aged man.

Anyone know what Mormon scripture says about wives and women?  I do.

I won't bore you with the excessively verbose and flowery language that Joseph Smith used when he made up this "scripture".  D&C 132 essentially says that women are the property of the men who marry them.  It also says that the highest form of celestial marriage is that of polygamy, and that anyone not entering into polygamy cannot attain the highest degree in Mormon heaven, aka the Celestial Kingdom.  In addition, if a man commits adultery, his wives can be taken from him and given to another.  Thank heavens that marriage has since been temporarily suspended by the Mormon church, though most Mormons probably don't realize what Mormon doctrine and scripture actually says.  Mormon practices and Mormon doctrine are two different things, apparently.

As a child, I always hated the thought of polygamy.  I was scared that I'd have to live it, and I didn't want to.  It was one of those things that I chose not to think about because it was too disturbing.  It was an incredible relief to me to leave Mormonism behind and to realize that the "doctrine" of polygamy was nothing more than Joseph Smith justifying his unwillingness to be faithful to his wife, Emma.

In support of my LGBT friends, on this, the eve of the Supreme Court addressing the issue of gay marriage, I say let's redefine.  Let's and embrace and support anyone who wants to spend a lifetime loving each other.  Enough of the "God said it's bad" argument.  "God" said lots of things in the Bible and Mormon scriptures that people choose to ignore.  Let people live and love and have basic human rights.  If there's some kind of sinning going on, why not let God deal with it, and we all just go about the business of loving each other?

Dive Deep and Swim Far

"Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."

~~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I came across the above quote by Emerson this morning while browsing the internet.  I posted it on my Facebook wall, as is my habit, but for some reason, I couldn't get the quote out of my thoughts, and I ruminated about the way this applies to my life, and to my recovery from Mormonism.

I took a big step a couple of weeks ago, and applied for grad school.   Making this move in my life is a huge deal for me, one of the most pivotal steps in reclaiming my life, my identity, and in discovering what I want to be "when I grow up".

You see, when I was a little girl, like millions of other little Mormon girls, nobody every asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  For a Mormon girl, there's only one right answer; one thing that God has in mind for you, and that is to be a wife and a mother.  I performed this duty right on cue, doing everything this role encompasses.  I never even dreamed that I could have been something else, that I might have wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a therapist, an artist, a dancer, a cruise ship director, or a scientist.

Don't get my wrong, I have no problem with a woman (or man for that matter) being a stay at home parent, if that is their choice.  The key word here, is choice.  Some will say that I always had a choice, and I suppose that they are right, if I wanted to disappoint God, and disobey Him, thereby earning his wrath and losing my ticket to heaven.  I did as I was commanded, and didn't even bother to dream of anything else.

In the 2 1/2 years since leaving Mormonism, I have changed a great deal.  I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep and stepped into a colorful world, full of stunning, interesting people, and innumerable options for the rest of my life.  I am attacking life with zest, with enthusiasm, like a starving refugee, presented with a mouth-watering buffet.  Still, there's been a sadness in my soul, a weight, filled with regret for all of the years which had been stolen from me.  I spent so many years living a lie, years which I will never get back.

As I talk to other women, I feel this same burden in their hearts, a grief that is so profound that it nearly takes one's breath away.  What might we have been?  What would we have dreamed of being when we were young, had we been allowed to dream?  How can we possibly ever be made whole?  The sad (or happy) fact is that we can't change the past.  Like flowing water, like fluid seas, the past has gone, moved on to another realm, and we cannot get it back.

But, and this is what touched me today about the Emerson quote, I can stop being a slave to my past.  What use are tears shed over a career that I might have had?  They benefit me nothing.  Certainly there is grieving to be done, as there is after any trauma, but, if I weep too long, sorrow too much, or hold this weight in my soul, then my past of Mormonism is still my master.  So now, in my new life, my rebirth, I will plunge deep into the sublime seas of my future, and swim far.  I will live the dreams of the little girl inside me, who has aged a bit now (or a lot), seize my power, and overlook the old.  

I will make a difference in this new life of mine.  I will live, I will dream, I will wear flowers in my hair, I will soar, I will dance, I will twirl in circles in a field of daisies, I will spread sparkly fairy dust over the whole world, I will sing, I will roar, and I will rejoice, for I am shackled no longer.