Becoming Myself

When I saw my therapist last Friday, she said something that got me thinking. I was telling her about having purposely severed a longtime friendship, and some family relationships, and all because of the church. She said that it seems that in Mormonism, development of self and personal identity comes secondary to faith in the church.

It's so very true.

When I was Mormon, I wouldn't cook with wine, or order a wine dish at a restaurant in order to stay as far away from "evil" as possible. If I'd used my rational brain, I would have realized that a little wine in a food dish isn't going to turn me into an alcoholic, and it's not unhealthy, which is supposedly the point of the Word of Wisdom. In reality, Mormon rules are more about exerting control over the masses than anything else. If you can control people's diets, sex lives, wardrobes, money, what kind of TV they watch, who they marry, and how they spend their private time, you control their very existence and their psyche.

It's rare to find an LDS woman who was raised to be strong, and to find her passion in life. Little girls are taught from an early age to desire motherhood above all. Girls are not taught to find something that drives them and to go for it. Girls feel defective if they want something other than the standard issue Mormon woman's life. Girls are not free to develop their identity, whatever that be, without the oppressive expectations of Mormonism. A young girl isn't free to say that she dreams of being a Navy pilot one day. She may not even admit it to herself, even if it's the most amazing thing she's ever heard of. She definitely wouldn't admit it to her parents, or church leaders. The pressure to conform is intense, and it takes a strong, rebellious personality to break free. Unfortunately, that rebellion is undesirable, and harshly punished.

"Good" is determined by the religion, not by the person's own intellect and moral code. Often, the religious person has a warped moral code, based entirely on Mormon minutiae such as wearing of garments, having a beer at a party, saying fuck, or wearing a sleeveless top, rather than things that really matter such as honesty, loyalty, kindness, and compassion. Some of the best people I know have foul mouths, tattoos, piercings, and drink beer (one of these people is me), all of which would make them “bad” people to Mormons. This judgement, from what I can tell, is based entirely on superficial adherence to rules, rather than being based on deeper moral character traits.

I recently came across five glaring examples to demonstrate my point:

1. Brent posted a story in a Facebook group about his father. When the grandchildren in the family turn 8, Brent’s father, who is an artist, would paint a portrait of the grandchild. In the Mormon religion, children routinely get baptized at the age of 8. Brent’s youngest daughter, Maggie, had turned 8, but since Maggie’s family had left the Mormon Church, Maggie was not getting baptized, and therefore, was informed that she would not be receiving a portrait from her grandfather. This little girl was devastated. An artist in the group offered to paint the little girl’s portrait, and Brent has given me permission to use his photograph of the painting for my blog post. This act of service and kindness from a complete stranger touched the hearts of many. If you are in the market for some beautiful art, please consider purchasing something from this wonderfully caring woman.
2. My friend, Clark, found himself divorced after leaving the church. He and his wife had four small children at the time. His ex-wife posted on Facebook that nobody should judge Clark, that he was the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for, but that she had her own reasons for the divorce. Those reasons? He didn’t believe in the church. He no longer fit the “Peter Priesthood” role that she expected him to fill, and therefore was disposable.
3. I recently came across a manicotti recipe. The recipe actually looks disgusting (Velveeta, blech), but the comments on the recipe were a clear demonstration of the childish mentality created by Mormonism. The recipe called for a jar of vodka sauce. The women fretted and debated back and forth about the dangers of using this sauce and whether it would cause them to break the word of wisdom. The exchange was quite humorous, and I’ll let you experience it for yourself here.
4.  My friend Angela posted on Facebook that her daughter, Kimmy, had recently turned 8, but did not plan to get baptized. Angela’s parents were relentless with the nagging, pushing, shaming, and constant Mormon sales pitch towards Kimmy. Finally, in frustration, Kimmy yelled out, “No means NO!!” The grandparents were horrified at the disrespect, but Angela pointed out that they were the ones being disrespectful of Kimmy’s right to choose.
5. Some decades ago, a woman, Tracy and her family left the church. They announced to the family that their son would not be getting baptized. Tracy’s in-laws sent a letter stating that it would have been better for Tracy’s entire family to have died in a fiery car crash than to have left the church because at least their eternal salvation would have been secure. When my husband first left the church, I thought something similar, and blogged about it here.

In the absence of religion, would any of these five situations have occurred? Would a loving grandfather refuse to paint a portrait of his granddaughter? What could an eight year old child possibly do to incur such wrath in the real world? In the real world, would Clark’s wife have divorced him, even though she admits that he is a great husband and father? In the real world, are women so terrified of alcohol that they are afraid to use a vodka sauce, or order chicken marsala? What kinds of things do grandparents in the real world expect of eight year old children? Politeness, kindness, respect, enjoying their company, sending a thank you note for gifts? Would rational people in the real world really wish people dead rather than leaving a religion? When people who have never been Mormon hear these stories, they have a hard time believing that the tales are not exaggerated. Yet I read and hear many stories just like these every single day.

This is why we have a difficult time dealing with Mormons after we leave. We are constantly measured by friends, family, and spouses by the yardstick of Mormonism. We sometimes have to cut people out of our lives due to the relentless judgement and criticism. We know that we are good, moral people. We realize that you don't need any religion, much less Mormonism to be a good person. Mormons think that Mormonism is the most important quality to determine whether or not you are a good person. Being Mormon is the ultimate in "good".

Only it's not.

Now I am free to soar, to become whoever I want to become.  I'm free to judge the merits of others based on how they treat me and their fellow human beings.  I'm free from dogma and fear, and I'm free to find out who I am.  Freedom tastes incredible!