What do I believe?

When I meet new people and the subject of religion comes up, it often leads me to share that I am a former Mormon.  People are usually fascinated by my story and what it was like living such a repressive lifestyle.  It frequently turns into a stimulating conversation with lots of questions, and inevitably, people ask what church I go to now.

I am frankly honest with them, and tell them that it's very hard to put trust in any other religion, or even trust in God since I spent my whole life living an obviously false set of teachings.  I was a very, very devout Mormon, and nearly all of my daily life involved Mormonism in some way.  When we left the church, there were layers and layers of indoctrination to peel off of my soul and my psyche.

I can honestly say that I have blossomed outside the oppressive regime of Mormonism.  I love my life.  I love my fellow human beings.  I embrace and accept them all at face value instead of judging them by the pitiful yardstick that was my Mormon upbringing.  People who knew me before I left Mormonism and see me now have noticed the change, the spring in my step, the light in my eyes, my enthusiasm and my smile.  I have left such a burden behind that I cannot help but be buoyant.

When I first left Mormonism, I assumed that I would always be Christian and that I would always believe in God.  As things evolved, and I allowed myself to think and believe whatever I like, I discovered that I do not believe in Jesus and I do not believe in God.  I call myself an apatheist now, which means I really don't care about God and I don't want to spend another minute of my life trying to figure out if there is a god or not, and what it is that he or she wants me to do.  It's a perfectly good waste of my life to do so.

My journey to apatheism started when I was watching a documentary about Auschwitz on Netflix.  One woman, who had been a child in Auschwitz said, "There was no god in Auschwitz."  I literally sat back on the sofa and stared into space in shock.  There was no god in Auschwitz.  Just wow!  I realized in that minute that I am a better parent than the god about whom I had been taught.   And trust me, I'm not that great of a parent, passable at best.  But I sure as hell wouldn't let my Nazi children kill my Jewish children.  Never.  I want my children to have free will, but I wouldn't stand by and watch one group of them kill another under the guise of free will.  In that very instant, I simply stopped believing in god.  

I see plenty of evidence that a belief in god can inspire people to do good in the world.  I also see that a belief in god can drive people to commit some of the most heinous evils.  I see no evidence that god, himself does anything for human beings.  I know that people pray and feel that their prayers are answered, but honestly, it doesn't feel right to me to pray about a lost pair of glasses and feel that god would hear and answer my prayer when there are millions of innocent children starving and being abused around the world.  If I were god, I simply couldn't watch that happen, meanwhile helping people find car keys, send extra money to pay the bills, and helping cars start.

So, what is left?  What do I believe?  I believe in doing good.  I believe in helping others.  I believe in humanity as a whole, and that we can do so much more together than any of us can individually.  If we can simply stop fighting about god, and which god we should worship.  Stop killing each other in the name of god.  How about we start leaving god out of the equation?

Many people ask me, "What if you're wrong?"  Well, if I'm wrong, and there is a god and I was supposed to worship him in a certain way, then he did a pretty horrible job of letting me know which way that is.  He made it extremely hard to believe in him at all.  I have friends of many faiths, including Mormonism, and all of them feel about their faith in the same way as each other.  Each feels that they have found the correct path back to god.  They can't all be right, and since each of the ways is flawed in some way, I choose none of these ways.  If there is, in fact, a loving god, he will understand that I spend the majority of my life being fooled, and living a false religion, so I think that gives me a "get into heaven free" card.  If he is there and is a loving god, and yet wouldn't let me have a gimme, then I wouldn't want to worship him anyway, and I'll join my fellow apostates and atheists in hell.

I ran across a quote this morning, posted by a friend on Facebook that affected me deeply, and inspired this blog post:

"If there is no hope of eternal life, then what is the purpose of life?" is a question we atheists often hear. My response is that there is indeed no purpose of life. there is purpose in life. If there were a purpose of life, then that would cheapen life. It would make us tools or slaves of someone else's purpose. Like a hammer that hangs on the garage wall waiting for someone to build something, if we humans were designed for a purpose then we would be subservient in the universe. Our value would not be in ourselves. It would be in our submission to the will of the toolmaker. That is slavery to a master, or infant dependency on a father figure. Besides, if there is a god, what is the purpose of his life? If he doesn't need a purpose, why do we? …..If I raise a child who is eternally dependent on me for meaning, then I am an inept parent.

There is no purpose of life. Life is its own reward. But as long as there are problems to solve, there will be purpose in life. When there is hunger to lessen, illness to cure, pain to eradicate, oppression to resist, knowledge to gain and beauty to create, there is meaning in life. A college student once asked Carl Sagan: "What meaning is left, if everything I've been taught since I was a child turns out to be untrue?" Carl looked at him and said, "Do something meaningful."  ~~Dan Barker.

And now I'm off to do something meaningful.

Slaying My Dragons

From the moment in June 2012 that Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my husband of 22 years told me he no longer believed the Mormon Church to be true, to be God’s one true church on earth, my life has undergone enormous changes.  Less than three weeks after that gut wrenching day, I also had my own epiphany regarding the veracity of the church, I walked away, and I wish I could say that I never looked back.  There are many “wise” quotes about never looking back, but rather moving forward.  I’m not sure I see the wisdom in that advice.  I agree that one shouldn't dwell in the past, since you can’t change it, and you don’t live in the past.  My goal is to live very much in the present with vibrant authenticity, and never apologize for being me ever again. 

I feel it is important, however, to examine the past.  How did I get here?  Why do I believe that?  Why am I doing that?  What created that fear?  What created that habit?  How do I change?  By examining my past from an intellectual perspective, I have been able to slay some inner dragons that I wasn't even aware existed.  It's no small feat to overcome 43 years of mind control and programming by a very clever cult, and to choose an authentic life over a fear based existence.  This is not to say my journey has been entirely intellectual.  There have been plenty of tears, earth shattering moments, and scary times.  I have slain some enormous dragons in the 15 months since leaving Mormonism.  I have taken back my power, grasped hold of my life, and marched onward with gusto.  Pretty much all I need now is a fabulous pink cape to go with my sword of truth and my shield of courage.

Dragon #1--Coffee

Oh boy, was I terrified of coffee. When my Mr. Pink Hedgehog first left the church, he asked me if it was okay for him to drink coffee.  At first I said it would make me really sad.  Within a day or so, I realized how silly that was, and that if he wanted to drink coffee, he would sneak and do it at work anyway, so I might as well just say it was okay.  After all, he was a grown man, and it's just coffee, but I told him he'd better not bring it home and set a bad example for our kids.  We were raising them up to be good Mormons who keep the Word of Wisdom, so it was vital to keep all evil influences out of our home.

Within another day or so, I realized that my latest request was also silly, that a grown man, paying for the home we live in should not have to sneak and hide, and that he should be able to have a cup of coffee in his own home if he wants to.  Another day later, I told him he needed to buy coffee when he was with me, so he could drink it, I could kiss him, and find out what coffee tastes like without breaking the Word of Wisdom. That day, I deliberately took a sip of the forbidden brew from his cup.  Fear gripped my heart, and I felt like a naughty schoolgirl who has been caught making out with a boy behind the bleachers.  The whole story is humorous now, and my thinking was juvenile, but it clearly demonstrates the result of living a life while scared of so many dangerous dragons such as coffee.

Dragon #2--Alcohol

Alcohol is even more dangerous and frightening than coffee.  After all, it's mood altering, and extremely addictive.  One sip, and you are likely to turn into a raging alcoholic, right?  Just take the first drink, and you are well on your way to a life of depravity, drunk driving, neglecting your kids, and daily hangovers.  No thanks!  Alcohol is super, super, duper scary.  Super!!  Only it's not.  In August 2012, Mr. Pink Hedgehog and I were on a cruise to Alaska, and I decided I was done being scared of alcohol, and I ordered my first alcoholic drink.  The very first drop of alcohol ever to touch my lips was Sex on the Beach.  I sipped the drink and waited.....nothing really happened.  I felt a little warm and floaty, but nothing else happened.  No dark clouds gathered over me, no thunder and lightning, nor maniacal evil laughter ensued.  Little old me, sitting on the cruise ship, just continued to sit, knit my socks, and chat with people around me.  Hmmm, interesting, a whole lot of fear and stress over a whole lot of nothing.

Since that time, I have been to parties where I drank too much.  I've been tipsy, I've been responsible, and I've had a good deal of fun.  Most nights I either have a glass of wine with dinner, or don't drink at all.  I'm the same me, carrying one less fear around with me.  I became obsessed initially with alcohol, but not really to drink it, simply to gain knowledge about an entire subject that had been forbidden to me.  I'm a knowledge sponge of sorts, and I can obsess on a new topic when I stumble across it.  I bet that not many people know what sloe gin is and how it's made.  I do because I looked it up.  I simply must know things!  It's one of my quirks.  Believe it or not, I've even lost Mormon friends because of alcohol.  I posted a funny joke about beer, which earned me a lecture from someone I had counted as a friend.  She told me she couldn't believe that I'd "lost my moral values".  I'm pretty sure I don't want to live by her list of "moral values".  Recently I posted a photo of my signature drink, a Pink Hedgehog on Facebook.  The next day, she had unfriended me.  I kid you not.

Dragon #3--Red Shoes

I wrote a post back in February about this particular dragon.  Click here.

Dragon #4--Self Sacrifice

I've lost a lot of weight since leaving the church.  I have more to lose, but I'm on a quest, working on it a day at a time.  To further this effort, I decided that I really wanted to join a gym.  Mr. Pink Hedgehog had offered more than once to get me a gym membership, but I always hesitated.  This past week, I had a guest pass for a day to an expensive and exclusive gym in our area.  I have always liked to swim, and decided to try it out that day, to see how I liked it.  As I swam, I realized that I would love to have a membership to this gym.  I talked to Mr, Pink Hedgehog about it, and we went over to take a tour.  This gym costs about double what the regular chain gyms cost, but the membership numbers are kept down so you don't have to deal with crowding.  The facilities are beautiful, upscale, and elegant.

As we took the tour, I was well aware of the cost to join, even with Mr. Pink Hedgehog's discount as the employee of a large local company.  I was also aware that we could both join another gym for considerably less money per month, but I really, really wanted a membership at this one, and to top it off, the gym is the closest to Mr. Pink Hedgehog's work, so we could exercise together sometimes.  This was a pivotal moment in my life, only I didn't even know it at the time.  I can't believe this was only 4 days ago because so much has changed within me since that time.  As I stood there trying to decide which gym to choose, Mr. Pink Hedgehog said to me, "Choose the one you want, cost doesn't matter (which I already knew), choose the one in which you prefer to exercise."  At that very moment, a light bulb went on in my brain, and I finally, for one of the first times ever, said, "I want this one."

Wow!  Just wow!!  For one of the very first times ever in my life, I did not opt for the cheaper version just because it was what I was supposed to do.  As a Mormon mamma, I always took care of everyone.  I looked after Mr. Pink Hedgehog, took care of the kids, the dog, volunteered at the school, cleaned the house, ran errands, served in my callings, helped everyone, bought clothes and shoes for everyone else, but when it came to buying things for me, or doing things for me, I felt guilt.  I always shopped clearance racks (nothing wrong with that), and felt extreme guilt if I couldn't clothe myself entirely in bargains.  For the first time ever, I stood firm and straight, and said what I really, truly wanted with no guilt, and without opting for the least expensive, just because it was what I was supposed to do.  I guess I've grown rather weary of "supposed to" lists; with someone else telling me what I should want to do and be.  It's finally time to be me, take it or leave it.



I've learned a lot about myself; how I am in control of my life, and my dragons are not.  Dragons are for slaying, not for obeying.

Rant About Temple Worship

The following essay was written by the poster "greenpotato" on exmormon.org in the Recovery Forum, and is used with his/her permission.  This author expresses many problems with temple worship, doctrinal, historical, and social.  Many thanks, greenpotato!

What is it with mormons and temples? Where does the idea of temple worship come from? The book of mormon? Nope, temples are not mentioned there. The New Testament? Nope, Jesus' sacrifice ended temple worship. The old testament? Only if you want to get your ass kicked for building multiple temples that were not in god's chosen town of Jerusalem. Thomas Monson wouldn't be bragging about the number of new temples being built if he knew that the god of the old testament was watching.

And why must baptisms be done for every single person who ever lived? Surely 99.5% of them are going to reject the gospel anyway? Why not get baptised for the dead AFTER they accept the gospel? Did Jesus die on the cross over and over for every single person, even the ones who weren't going to repent? I know Jesus had a lot to bear already, but since he was getting baptised anyway, why not make it count for everyone?

When I am worried that I might forget something, I always write it down on my underwear... NOT! Why not give everyone a written copy of the temple covenants that they can refer to when needed, preferably BEFORE they agree to give the church EVERYTHING so that they have time to consider the implications first?

How does one decide whether to call temple worship sacred or secret? The handshakes are SECRET otherwise there would be no point to them. Sacred things can be spoken about, at least with others of the same faith who already know about it. Secret isn't a very good word for it since I am writing about it without ever having been to a temple. I think embarrassingly stupid is a better description for temple worship than either sacred or secret.

How far can one stretch the "milk before meat" principle? Some people die of old age while still on milk! But don't worry, if you don't understand the spiritual significance of the temple in this life, then at some point during ETERNITY you will finally get it!

But who wouldn't want to go to the temple and be sealed to their family for all of eternity? Duh, people who have family members that they don't like! But no person who doesn't love their family could possibly be worthy of going to heaven, even if they have suffered at the hands of those who should have loved them and have still been good, Christ like people. What counts at the gates of mormon heaven is knowing secret handshakes and being sealed to lots of family, and having as many wives as the laws of the land don't arrest you for.

Most brides these days don't like to know what is going to happen at their wedding. What they are going to wear, what the celebrant is going to say, what the venue looks like from the inside and who is going to be there are minor details that most brides take no interest in. NOT!!! TSCC knows NOTHING about throwing a good wedding! I know that there hasn't been much of a need for temples since animal sacrifice stopped, but having weddings at temples is NOT the solution.

Unlike many doctrinal questions, temple ceremonies are scientifically untouchable. The preface to the book of mormon has been changed drastically in the face of modern scientific discoveries, and it will continue to change. So why do eternal temple ceremonies that are pleasing to an unchanging god need to be changed so often? Surely if they were good enough for god 100 years ago then they are good enough now.

If it wasn't for Joseph Smith and his last minute plagiarism of Masonic rituals, temples would be nothing more than ancient ruins and I would have something better to rant about. In hindsight, temple worship is ridiculous and the secrecy surrounding temple worship is the only way to stop people from leaving the church as soon as they hear about it. Either that or find a way to provide an ACTUAL spiritual experience at the temple.

Better Off Dead

June 2012

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, father of my children, and one of the most amazing people I know, broke my heart.  We had been married for over twenty-two years.  We were the parents of five amazing sons.  Our lives were centered in the LDS church.  We built our family on the teachings of the church, fully believing that we had a "celestial marriage".  We were married in the Mormon temple in Seattle, and had spent the duration of our marriage teaching our children the doctrines and principles of the Mormon faith.

In order to have a marriage that lasts for all of eternity, the couple must be married or sealed in a Mormon temple.  In addition, the couple must remain faithful in the church for the duration of their lives.  They are expected to "endure to the end", serve in the church, hold callings, pay tithing, attend the temple, and about a million other things.  For a list of things I spent my life doing, click here.  I actually didn't mind so much trying to do the million things, though I was exhausted much of the time, and overwhelmed with trying to live up to the Mormon ideal.  If that's what I had to do, to attain eternal salvation, then so be it.  Mormons believe that they have the only true church of God on the face of the earth, and as a result, the only path to return to God.

So, how did Mr. Pink Hedgehog break my heart?  He confessed to me that he no longer believes the Mormon church to be the "one true church on the face of the earth".  He no longer believed this:

And also those to whom these commandments were given, might have power to lay the foundation of this church, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the church collectively and not individually-- D&C 1:30.

To be honest, my first emotion after he told me was relief.  I was afraid that he might be confessing to an affair, or wanting a divorce, so the news that he didn't believe in the church was a relief in comparison.  I had sensed for a few weeks that something was not quite right, but I couldn't figure out what.  I just felt very unsettled, but did not know why.  Shortly after my feeling of relief, came unbearable grief.  As a faithful Mormon wife, this is possibly the worst news I could have received.

I am ashamed to admit the next thought that came into my head, and lingered there for a few days.  I believed (taking a deep breath) it would have been better if he had died than to take the action he was about to take.  I would have had the assurance that our eternal marriage was intact, rather than having him ripping it apart.  Better off dead?  Seriously.  I sobbed for days, barely managing to function.  Even now, months later, an apostate myself, the pain of those days brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart constrict.  Better off dead.

How and why did I come to such a sick and twisted belief?  Let me share a few quotes from past leaders of the church:

Journal of Discourses 12:94 (Brigham Young)

If there is a despicable character on the face of the earth, it is an apostate from this Church. He is a traitor who has deceived his best friends, betrayed his trust, and forfeited every principle of honor that God placed within him. They are disgraced in their own eyes. There is not much honesty [within] them. They have forfeited their heaven, sold their birthright, and betrayed their friends. [Even Satan despises apostates] That is all I wish to say on that point. Let apostates go.

Journal of Discourses 12:58 (Brigham Young)

I would say, let [apostates] alone severely. The man who will apostatize from the truth, forsake his God and his religion, is a traitor to everything there is in heaven, earth, and hell. There is no soundness, goodness, truth, or virtue in him; nothing but darkness and corruption, and down to hell he will go. This may grate on the delicate ears of some, and they may think it is a pretty hard sentence, still it is true.

Bruce R. McConkie 

"Loss of virtue is too great a price to pay even for the preservation of one's life — better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a son or a daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction: "I would rather have you come back in a pine box with your virtue than return alive without it."

An examination of the words as applied to apostates such as my husband: deceived his best friends, betrayed trust, forfeited principles of honor, disgraced, forfeited heaven, sold birthright, Satan despises them, traitor, no goodness, no truth, no virtue, nothing but darkness, down to hell, rather come back in a pine box.

My heart and my soul are aching for the women and men in the same position I found myself in.  Tears are flowing down my cheeks for the pain in their lives because of these beliefs.  What kind of a sick religion teaches its members to think this way?  Our spouses are better off dead than apostatizing?  Mr. Pink Hedgehog is better off dead than here with his sons, loving them, raising them, teaching them to be men?  Better off dead.

99.99% of the world lives and dies without ever being faithful to the LDS church.  What are the chances that a loving God would make a plan that the only way back to live with him is to join a tiny,  little, obscure, bizarre religion, that most people on the planet will never hear about?  Not great odds, in my book.  Sadly, the thoughts that went through my head are the rule in the LDS church, rather than the exception.   It's this exact kind of demented reasoning that makes the Mormon church a danger, and not simply another harmless church among thousands of churches.   

Better off dead.  Better off dead?

Mr. Pink Hedgehog, the apostate, is a great father.  He dries my tears, he's thoughtful, he's generous.  He's a great provider, friend to many, scouting volunteer, smart, industrious, hard working, helpful, loyal, honest, and caring.  Ask anyone who knows him. He's amazing!  Better off dead?

I never said those words to Mr. Pink Hedgehog, that he would be better off dead, but we have talked about them since.  From the minute I realized that he was not better off dead, I began to realize that I had been tied down with millions of tiny threads of indoctrination, as fine as strands of spider's silk.  I was voluntarily bound, by giving up my right to think for myself.  With this first epiphany, my first independent thought, I gave myself permission to challenge every word ever spoken by a prophet, and anyone in authority over me.  

I began to free myself.  One by one, I've snipped the fibers, and risen free of the hell that was the church.

My sweetheart.  Better off dead?  Never.

Leave the Ninety and Nine....or not

Today marks two months since my family and I resigned from the LDS church.

Christ taught his followers to leave the ninety and nine, and seek the one who is lost.  We could be considered "the lost", the ones who have strayed from the fold.  While we do not wish to be brought back in to the religious fold, we hoped to maintain our relationships with the members of our church, despite our change in beliefs.  You can decide for yourself, upon reading our story, whether we have been sought.

The story of our journey out of the church can be found here in one of my prior posts: The Emperor Has No Clothes

The accounting of our resignation from the church is posted here:  Formal Resignation

Some of my friends have asked me how things are going, many are curious about the reaction of our ward (congregation), and how we have been treated following our exit from the LDS church.  One more friend inquired about this subject today, thus prompting my post.  It is very important to understand how members of the church are treated when they choose to leave the church.  To that end, I wish to provide a timeline of our exit from the church.

~~ June 27, 2012 - My husband confessed to me that he no longer believes the LDS church to be the one true church on the face of the earth.  I began a quest to bring my husband back to the church.  At this time, all of our children had been told of my husband's disaffection with the church.  I also reached out to a few good friends in the ward to ask for support.  They cried with me, sat with me, held me as I cried, and showed incredible kindness.

~~ July 20, 2012 - After weeks of study, I reached my own conclusion that the LDS church is not the one true church.  I was extremely disturbed after finding volumes of information that has been covered up by the church, and is now coming to light.  Due to the internet, the church can no longer hide things and pretend they never happened.   We were on vacation at the time I reached my decision.

~~ August 2012 - We arrived home from vacation and told our two adult children that my husband and I were leaving the church together; our younger children had been on vacation with us, and were already aware.  I called a few close friends in the ward and outside the ward to tell them what was happening.  We never went back to church after our vacation.  Our intention was to walk quietly away, and to simply stop going to church.  We had a strong desire to maintain our friendships with people in our ward, to keep our kids in LDS scouting, and to attend social events.

~~ September 2012 - We received a voice-mail from our bishop stating that there had been rampant gossip in our ward, and as a result, he made an announcement in Relief Society (women's organization meeting) and Priesthood (men's organization meeting) during church.  The outrageous gossip had been along the lines of my husband having had an affair, that we were divorcing, he had a porn problem, we wanted to drink and party, and more, and none of it was true.  The bishop announced that our family was no longer attending church, but that we were fine and doing well.  He cautioned them all against the dangers of gossip.  He also asked the members of the ward not to call us, or bother us.

This admonition to the ward was two-fold; he honestly did not want us to be hounded by people attempting to argue us back into the church.  He also did not want people to come to our home and listen to the things we have to say.  Unfortunately, some members of the ward interpreted his advice to mean they should cut off all contact with our family.   We were unfriended by a large number of people on Facebook that weekend.  One of my friends was told by another member of the ward that by continuing to associate with me, my friend was putting her eternal salvation in jeopardy.  I kid you not!

One week later, my husband began hearing about the bishop's announcement from colleagues at work, who were not only in different wards, but also in different stakes.  This greatly upset my husband that the gossip over this situation had reached such epic proportions.  In response to the bishop's announcement, we sent an email to the entire ward, giving the brief reasons that we stopped attending church.  We did this as our only means to tell our side of the story, and to put a stop to the gossip.  In response to our email, the bishop made another announcement, telling the ward that it is not necessary to read any further correspondence from us, nor to respond to our posts on Facebook  We received a handful of supportive responses to our email.

~~ October 2012 - We attended the ward Chili Cook-off.  We had a great time and most people were very friendly.  A few people seemed to avoid us.  We made a practice of walking up to people and chatting as though nothing had happened.  Every single person we talked to was kind, and some said they missed us.  We had huge hopes for our continued association with our ward family.

~~ October 31, 2012 - We hosted the ward Halloween party at our home.  We had lots of people attend, and everyone had a great time.  This gave us a lot of hope that we could maintain friendships in the ward in spite of our change in religious beliefs.

~~ November 9, 2012 - We received a particularly nasty email from a member of the ward.  The email called us to repentance, told us we were under the influence of Satan, stated that the writer knew we had a testimony and that we will pay for our sins in the eternity, and that the writer hoped we return to church before it is too late.  In response we posted the text of the email on Facebook, after deleting any identifying information.  We received an overwhelming response from friends from all walks of life, some as far back as high school, from our time living overseas, and from other wards we had lived in.  Oddly enough, we received only three messages of support from members of our own ward.  In addition, we lost a great many more Facebook friends from the ward.

~~ November 11, 2012 - My husband attended church to assess the fallout from our having posted the email on Facebook.  It's common practice in LDS wards to have a combined Priesthood and Relief Society lesson on the fifth Sunday of the month.  There was no fifth Sunday until the end of December, but the bishop moved all other lesson plans back a week in order to present a fifth Sunday lesson this particular week.  The focus of the hour was avoiding contention, especially in light of the email we had received and posted on Facebook, yet the bishop was very careful not to mention us by name.  He spoke extensively about those who leave the church and how we should treat them.  Some of what he said was positive, but there was also a message warning the members of the ward not to wander in the paths of darkness.  In other words, don't be like Pink Hedgehog and Mr. Pink Hedgehog, they have strayed from the path, so it is dangerous to listen to them.

~~ November 12, 2012 -  We had a member of the ward for dinner.  I had run into a member of the ward at the grocery store.  She and I had just been assigned as visiting teaching companions shortly before we left the church.  We went visiting teaching only once together, and then I never went back to church.  She thought she had done something to offend me.  I assured her that nothing could be further from the truth and invited her and her daughter to dinner.  We were seen talking at the store by a member of the ward, and reported to the bishop.  The bishop phoned her (according to my friend) twice before she came over to inquire as to her intentions in coming to my house.  To say the least, we were highly offended at this action on the part of the bishop.  The effectiveness of the spy network in the ward was shocking!

~~ November 17, 2012 - Our bishop came over to discuss the status of our relationship with the church.  We also addressed the ward spy network, and why he called to question people who are planning to be guests in our home.  We talked over many of our issues with church doctrine and history, and he realized that he was going to be of no help to us.  He had no answers to give us, because there are no answers that satisfy.  All along, I had refused to go into the bishop's office like some naughty child being sent to the principal.  My husband and I had done nothing wrong except to ask questions for which there are no good answers.

~~ November 24, 2012 - Our bishop phoned and wanted to stop by.  We chatted for a bit, making small talk, and then he got to the meat of the matter.  He invited us to voluntarily resign from the church or the stake would take action to excommunicate us.  We were simply astounded.  Our membership in the church actually meant very little to us at that point, and we had been on the verge of formally resigning.  Still, we refused to be bullied into resigning.  We asked the bishop for the reasons behind the threat.  His words were that we were "too influential" and "disturbing others".  That was it, nothing more, no other accusations.  Reeling from the shock, we saw the bishop to the door.

Later that evening, we had another couple from our ward coming for dinner and games.  They were just as shaken up as we were, and could not understand the actions of the bishop.  After our guests left, we fought back again, using the only means available to us, Facebook.  We again, received a large outpouring of support from our friends, but the members of the ward were silent.  Our friends on Facebook were outraged  by the behavior of the members of our ward.

~~ November 25, 2012 - We heard through the grapevine that the bishop once again went into Relief Society and Priesthood to discuss the situation.  We are unsure what exactly was said by the bishop, but by that evening, we had lost another portion of our Facebook friends who were also members of the ward.

~~November 26, 2012 - We emailed our stake president and appealed to him to stop the chaos that our bishop and our ward were creating.  We, if you remember, initially tried to walk away from the church quietly, by simply not attending.  Due to the rampant gossip in our ward, our situation became more and more public, against our wishes.  We felt that the only means at our disposal to clear our good name, and to tell our story was via email and Facebook.  Each time our ward or bishop struck out, we would strike back. Our stake president agreed to meet with us sometime during the Christmas holiday.

~~December 21, 2012 - We met with our stake president and reached a truce.  We explained our side of the story and how things got out of hand due to the actions of members of our ward.  He was understanding, and everything seemed to calm down.

~~ February 16, 2013 - We submitted our formal resignation from the LDS church (see link at the top of this post for the text of our resignation).  We emailed our resignation to Salt Lake City, to our entire ward, stake leadership, and all of the bishoprics in the stake.  There was no particular catalyst prompting our resignation.  We had simply reached the conclusion that the time had come to be able to say, "I am not Mormon".  By resigning, it also allowed me a measure of freedom to express my opinion about the church without fear of reprisals from the church.  I have some things that I need to say, and I deserve the freedom to say them without fear from any entity.

~~ February 28, 2013 - My 4th son and I received our official letters that our names had been removed from the records of the church.  As of this writing, we still have not received a letter for Mr. Pink Hedgehog. I did phone SLC, and they confirmed his name removal, but had no idea as to the whereabouts of his letter. 5th son will not receive a letter because he was never baptized.  2nd son resigned at the same time as us, but he is an adult and not in our ward.  3rd son is a minor and still attends church.  1st son is married and still attends church with his wife.

~~ April 5, 2013 - We threw a party for 2nd son who was leaving to go in the Air Force.  We invited people from our ward, many that we considered friends and some who had been our son's teachers and leaders.  A few RSVP'd that they would be attending but did not show up, one or two declined.  The vast majority of ward members we invited simply ignored our invitation.  One woman from the ward popped in for a few minutes, gave our son a gift, and ran off to a meeting.  We had a lot of guests at the party, but only the one from our ward.

As of this writing, we have received several supportive letters from members of our ward.   I received a very kind letter expressing love and support from our former Relief Society President.  Two emails came from members of the ward expressing remorse for harshly judging us and not being there for us, and also an acknowledgement that it was far too late at this point to do anything about it.  We have heard from several members of the ward who are closet non-believers but afraid to come forward.  We have had a visit from only one member of the ward, who came to apologize for her actions and for not supporting us.  We have had an overwhelming response of support from friends who are not members of our ward; some are religious and some are not.  Many, many friends have emailed us, messaged on Facebook, and gone out of their way to reach out to us and let us know of their love.  We have been so touched by these friends, and grateful for their loyalty.  These acts of kindness have made our journey much easier, in spite of being shunned by members of our ward.

Other than the few ward members I wrote about, we have been ignored by the members of our ward.  I have invited several women from the ward to lunch or breakfast, and been out with a few of them, or had them to our home.  None have invited me.  Everyone I have personally spoken with has been kind, and nobody has sent us an unkind email or letter.  If you read the text of our email to our ward, you saw that we invited the members of the ward to include us in their activities, game nights, ward activities, and other events.  We asked them to invite us over, stop by and visit, or reach out to us in any way.  Unlike many ex-Mormons, we welcome contact from the members of our ward.  We invited them to use our rototiller, or ask us for service, and reminded them that we are here to help in any way we can.  In the two months since our resignation, and the seven months prior to that, ever since we stopped going to church, we have not heard one peep from probably 90% of the ward.

We find that a very interesting occurrence.  We can only speculate on the reason our ward has shunned us.  Do they stay away because they are afraid?   Are they so busy with church responsibilities that they simply have no time for us? Do they feel betrayed by us?  Have they felt that by rejecting the church, we have rejected them?  Were they not truly our friends in the first place, but merely church acquaintances?   Do they stay away because they know in their hearts that we are right, yet they are unwilling to look?   It is likely that all of the above are true.

I write this not to condemn, but rather to teach.  If you have someone close to you who chooses to walk away from your faith, please show them love and acceptance.  Do not call them to repentance.  Do not tell them you know they have a testimony.  Do not chastise them.  Do not shun them.  Do not invite them over, bring them cookies, or do a service project, with the purpose of helping them "feel the spirit".  Spend time with them because you love them, and for no other reason.  Accept the fact that they are not coming back to church.  Ever.  Until you can do that, you cannot truly love them, and they know it.  All of the little messages with scriptures, or General Conference quotes are transparent, and not helpful.

We do not mourn the loss of our ward family.  We have learned who our true friends are, and that is a fabulous thing to know.  We have become very active in our local ex-Mormon community, and made lots of new friends.  We have been spending more time with our family, and with those friends who know our true character.  All in all, I feel free and happy.  I am enjoying life.  Learning the truth about the church of my childhood was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life.  Letting go of the harmful and false teachings has been the most refreshing experience of my life.  I am blogging, writing a book, looking for opportunities to serve in my community, and seeking for positive change in the world.  I no longer live in fear of anything, which is a very welcome change indeed.

Why Do Bad Things Happen?

This is probably one of the most common questions asked in the world today.  Horrors happen.  Lovely children get cancer, incredible people die of horrific diseases, tsunamis take uncountable lives, earthquakes destroy cities, spouses and fathers die in car accidents, people are tortured and killed.  There is a seemingly endless list of bad things that can happen.  The question is, why?

For nearly all of my life, I believed that good things happen to the righteous; bad things happen to those who are unrighteous, or to the righteous as faith building experiences.  I was raised Mormon, and thus with a belief that you get what you deserve.  Why did I believe such a thing?

Here is a quote from a general authority of the Mormon church.

“Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.” ― Richard G. Scott, October 1995

I used to think these words were full of wisdom.  Now I see that they are full of nonsense.  Basically, what this quote says is that bad things are going to happen to us.  It might be as a result of our disobedience to God's commandments,  or it might be a result of  God helping us to grow.  How is one to know the difference?  What if we think God is just testing us, but he's really punishing us for misdeeds, and we get our signals crossed.  We simply endure patiently, when we should be taking corrective action.  I've asked myself in recent months why God would do such a thing.  

When we lived in Israel a number of years ago, there was a tremendous earthquake, which killed huge numbers of people, in Bam, Iran.  One photo of the event will never leave my memory.   It was a photo of a father carrying the bodies of his two dead sons.  

What had this man done to deserve such a punishment?  He must have been very wicked indeed.  Maybe he was in need of polishing?  He must have been an extremely rough character in order require polishing of this magnitude.  Was God punishing this man for sin, or polishing him for everlasting benefit?  What kind of God kills a man's sons for either purpose.  I can tell you that if there is such a God, He is not a God that I would wish to worship.

As I began the heartbreaking process of accepting that the Mormon church was based on a carefully constructed web of lies, I began to question every religious "truth" I had ever been taught in my life.  I picked at the strands of the web, which had been holding my beliefs until the beliefs all fell in a heap on the floor.  I've begun taking each idea from the pile to see what I really think about each of them. 

I had always believed in a loving God.  I could not reconcile a loving God with a God who allows millions of Jews to be killed in the Holocaust, or sweeps away over 200,000 people in a tsunami, or allows buses to be blown to bits in Israel.  This photo came to my mind today, as I pondered the quote by Richard G. Scott, and my attempt to believe in a loving God who could and would do such things just snapped.  

If there is a God, I don't believe he would punish us in such ways.  If there is a God, I do not see that he is able to act in our lives.   My husband feels that if God does exist, that he operates on the principles of the Prime Directive (You're welcome, Star Trek fans).

One thing I feel in my heart is that bad things happen.  They just do.  No amount of righteousness, sin, repentance, faith, good works, hope, scripture reading, temple sessions, service, church attendance, casserole baking, or prayer will change the fact that bad things are going to happen to us.  Bad things happen, and they happen randomly.  God does not cause them.  YOU do not cause them, nor deserve them.

I do believe, however, that whether you grow or let yourself be destroyed by the bad things depends on you.  If you believe in God, or a specific religion, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Koran, prayer, meditation, yoga, or anything else, and that belief brings you peace and comfort, then that is a beautiful thing.  How you use your beliefs to heal from the bad things, is what matters, and how you use your beliefs to help your fellow man.

Bad things happen, they just do.  And it sucks.

The Wrecking Ball of Intolerance

We, as members of the human race want to be loved, heard, understood, and accepted.  How does intolerance kill?  Each time you reject someone, you kill a bit of their soul.  Those being rejected try not to care, yet they do care, they care a whole awful lot.  Intolerance is hate.  Intolerance is the equivalent of a wrecking ball, swinging through the lives of all those around the intolerant.  Smashing beyond recognition, everything in its path; splintering beyond repair, scattering bits to the wind.  Intolerance is abuse, hatred, anger, and most certainly not from God.

My heart is weeping today.  I can almost literally feel it seeping within me, dripping sadness.  I am hurting because I learned this week of the loss of two bright souls, who touched the lives of so many.  I need to say something, and if I can help even one person, it will be worth having written this.  Both of these  people happened to be gay.  They were abandoned by those around them; by family and friends, who claimed to love them.  Why can the religious not leave judgment to God?

Some time ago, I posted a link on my Facebook wall about the BSA and its stance on gays..  It is long past the time to do the right thing.  As I said on my Facebook post, a boy begins scouts when he is 8 years old, or younger.  He earns his Bobcat, Wolf, Bear, and Webelos.  He learns a great deal, he enjoys the program, and moves into Boy Scouts.  As he grows into adolescence (or even earlier), he comes to the realization that he is gay.  He finds himself invested in an organization that rejects him.

What is such a young man to do?  Should he throw out the achievements he has earned thus far?  Should he hide the truth?  He is stuck in an impossible situation. If you are heterosexual, how do you know it?  It's just something you are.  You can't change it.  You are who you are.  Every gay person I know feels exactly this way, and yet they are told by society, religious leaders, parents, friends, and even prophets that they are unacceptable.  Many are literally rejected by family and friends, thrown out, shunned, and banished.  How can someone claim to believe in and worship God and Christ and treat people this way?

Some of my Christian friends made negative comments about homosexuals on Facebook.  One of them actually stated that we must protect our children from homosexuals.  One common mantra was "love the sinner, hate the sin".  I cannot see hate and love existing in the same heart at the same time, directed at the same person.  You either love them or you don't.  It makes me sad, and heartsick, to see friends of mine treat other human beings in such a manner.  I have a number of gay friends and I would trust them with my kids over many other people who are heterosexual.

If you get nothing else from this post, understand this:  Being gay is not a flaw, nor is it an indicator of whether a person is of high moral character or not.  Personally, I think judging others and gossiping is one of the largest indicators of lack of moral character.  A person's ability to love and help those around him is an enormous clue to the nature of their heart.

These two lives, cut short, were filled with anguish.  Not because they were gay, but because they would never be accepted by those they loved the most.  They lived good lives, they loved, they smiled, they laughed, they achieved, they created, and they cried.  Behind all of this, was a deep gash, cut in their flesh, by those who supposedly loved them.

To anyone reading this, it's not too late.  Go to those you have harmed.  Hold them tight.  Wrap them in the arms of your love.  Think deeply about how Christ would treat them; go and do the same.  Do you really want those you have rejected to die with that ache in their heart?

Please stop the intolerance.  Go now, pick up the phone and make a call.  Go to them, and love.  You never know when death will visit.  Don't let it be you that waited too long.